4.5 Fun Ways to Deal with People who Constantly Complain or Argue

by Pamelagrace Beatty

Build a Bridge; Get Over It!

“OMG, she’s whining again!  It’s not that she doesn’t have anything to whine about. She does.  And that’s the problem…She always has something to whine about!”

Well, that was me, whining to myself about my friend who whines about everything. I’ve never heard a positive thing from her. You may be wondering why I even bother to be friends, if she whines so much?  Who wants to be around a whiner all the time?  Well, she’s a good friend and I love her.  But the whining?  Not so much.  I’ve tried helping her with her problems. I’ve comeup with solutions to her problems.  Didn’t work.  There was a “Yes, but” to every suggestion. I tried getting her to look at, or at least find, the positive side of the situation.  No such luck.   

I tried just listening, thinking all she needs is someone to really hear her, be there for her – you know the drill.  Well, partly that was true; she did need someone to listen.  But it didn’t stop the complaining nor solve her problems.) In fact, it seemed to reinforce the whining!   After the latest session of hearing what’s wrong with her life now, I wanted to say, “Oh Julie, build a bridge and get over it!”  Of course, I didn’t do that. It wouldn’t have helped, and she probably wouldn’t speak to me again (hmm…might be worth it).  So, the question is: What would help?  Here are some things I’ve tried with other people, with varying degrees of success:

Change the Subject

My sister taught me this one.  We have both had experience with family members and friends who go on and on ad infinitum on subjects that, even if we did find interesting at one time, we are now tired of hearing about them, sort of like chewing the same piece of gum for hours.  So, my sister, the sneaky little thing, changes the subject.  When she first started doing this, I thought perhaps she was just being absent-minded (she is absent-minded, so that was a viable assumption).  Then, in her absent-mindedness, she told me she used that technique on people when she was tired of listening to what they were saying.  Aha! Now I understood it was done on purpose.  And I now know what the purpose was. 

So of course, I did the same to her.  She does tend to run on a bit. It worked for a while but then she realized what I was doing and began to ignore me and keep talking.  Rats.  Nobody is perfect. But I did find I could use it now and then with her and it would work.  I also found, however, that this technique of changing the subject is best used on people you talk to infrequently, and/or are not that close to.  Of course, talking to them infrequently may solve the problem too, as long as it is very infrequent! Moving on to the next approach…

Count to Ten, in a Foreign Language

O.K., this one may sound silly, but it is my favorite and most effective method to use when whatever someone is saying is really pissing me off (sorry about the language), and I have a big urge to respond with anger!  This has saved me and the person I am talking to numerous times.  Once I am so upset that I want to verbally smack ‘em (which is never a good thing), the conversation and/or the relationship goes out the window.  So, counting to 10, especially in a foreign language, is absolutely great for calming myself down.  The way it works is I have to think really hard about what number comes next.  It takes me out of my emotions and into the thinking side of my brain.  I use Spanish, French or German to count.  Since I don’t often count in any of those languages, I do have to think. 

Thinking takes me out of my feelings.  There you go; problem solved.  You may be saying as you read this, “Yah, but what about giving my opinion? Is this like just rolling over and letting the other person win?”  Yes, and no.  I have found that whatever it is that I feel so strongly about that I want to smack ‘em in retaliation is usually not that important.  It doesn’t really have to be said.  Especially if I am mad, because if I say it in anger, they won’t hear it anyway. All they will “hear” is anger.  Once I have calmed myself down by counting, then I can make a more rational decision about whether I really need to respond to what just set me off. 

I am also able to realize it’s more about me, and how I am taking what they said, than what they actually said.  By the way, if you don’t know how to count in another language then count forwards to ten, and then count back from ten. If you are still angry, count by 2s, 3s, 5s (5s have to go beyond 10 obviously).  Warning:  I have noticed that the person I am talking to can tell that I am somewhere else as they diligently argue their point of view.  I think my facial expression gives me away…sort of like when a toddler is working on putting something in its diaper.  Parents have learned to identify that look and rush the little one off to the potty.  The good news is, when they have seen I am that disconnected, they have changed the subject.  Mission accomplished!

Speak Softly to Me

I discovered this little gem when I was a flight attendant many years ago.   We were not allowed to argue with or to anger the passengers. Like they say in retail, “The customer’s always right.”  If we said or did something the passengers didn’t like and they wrote us up for it, we were in deep guano! However, I found that if I lowered my voice and smiled, I could say just about anything to a demanding or misbehaving passenger and get away with it. 

I also found that this tactic works with my boyfriend.  He sometimes says what I consider to be the most outrageous things. We come from very different backgrounds, and now and then they clash. Rather than frown and get all frothy at the mouth, I smile sweetly and say what I think of the ridiculously dumb thing he just said.  He looks a little puzzled, but we end up coming to an understanding.  Which is good. Warning: this technique can backfire.  My boyfriend is now applying it where he wants to, and even though I recognize he just used it on me, since there is no hot emotion in his voice when he says it, I don’t have an angry response.  So, you could say it works both ways.

Dancing Hippopotamuses

This is my all-time fave!  I actually got the idea from someone who suggested that a way to get over being afraid to speak in front of groups was to imagine everyone in the audience was naked, as a way to overcome the fear.  I was reluctant to imagine people naked. I felt it was disrespectful.  But then came the time when I found myself sitting in the most excruciatingly boring staff meetings ever. I had to do something to amuse myself or I would not only possibly lose my mind, but I might also actually say what I thought of the stupid meetings and lose my job!  So, instead of imagining everyone naked (ewww), I mentally made them all circus animals, dressed up in costumes (imagine a hippo in a tutu), and had them dance or sing while cavorting on the ceiling.  I got so good at this that I could entertain myself for the entire meeting and still look like I was listening to the endless stories of what wonderful achievements my colleagues were making in their work (Really?).

This approach worked very well for quite some time, until I got so tickled with one particularly entertaining vision of a staff member as a snake doing the hula, that I laughed out loud, apparently at the wrong time.  Everyone turned and stared at me.  There was nothing I could say to explain why I was laughing.  I stopped using that technique and started actively meditating in the meetings, where I could hear what was going on, but imagined myself off in my “happy place,” calmly breathing.  That, by the way, is another useful approach.

You might be thinking, “Hey, those are all avoidance techniques!”  Yep, they are, but the upside is they buy you time to think, versus react, and can not only keep you employed but also save important relationships.  If the relationship isn’t important, go ahead and say exactly what you think  But use a quiet voice just to be safe.