5 REASONS TO NEVER SAY “THANK YOU!”

by Pamelagrace Beatty

Here are five reasons to never say “Thank you.”

1. You didn’t like the service.
2. You didn’t like what they said or did.
3. You didn’t like that Christmas or birthday or other-reason gift.
4. You didn’t get the amount of pay increase you expected.
5. You don’t care if it happens again.

Oops, that last one on the list is a two-edged sword. If you really don’t care if it ever happens again, then no, don’t say “thank you.”  However, if you would like that behavior to show up in the future, it would be better to say thanks, fast and sincerely!  I had a boyfriend who paid for dinner for a year because he wouldn’t say “thank you” when I cooked dinner. Now, I wasn’t asking him to shower me with praise and thanks every time I cooked.  Just now and then I wanted to hear a “Hey sweetie, that was good!”  Just now and then… But noooooo, not him.

If you have raised kids, or been around them when they are little, you may have noticed how difficult it is to get many of the little darlings to say “Thank you.”  There seems to be some kind of “Kiddie Code Book” that instructs children to never say thank you if they can avoid it. It’s like they expect to get whatever they want. You are supposed to cheerfully provide whatever they want, and you are not to demand anything in return.  Well, of course they should get what they want and need without having to be grateful for it. However, later, when they grow up, they will be better off understanding the power and persuasion of a well-said thank you.

Now I am going to get politically incorrect, so get ready!  Once the little darlings grow up, they should be well-versed in when and how to say thanks.  Here comes the politically incorrect part.  Women are pretty good at saying thanks. We have been well-schooled in that necessity.  Men are frequently still in that chapter in the Kiddie Code Book on Never Say Thanks. O.K., to be fair, some men do say thanks and others (but fewer) will complement the cook.   And perhaps it is just my experience, but I’ve seen it so often, that I believe other cooking wives, girlfriends, daughters, nieces, and maybe some guy-cooks have all experienced this lack of appreciation too.

Back to the boyfriend…

So, I asked him one day after many months of cooking dinner for him, why he never said “thanks for dinner, honey.  It was good.”  I wasn’t just fishing for a compliment. It took a lot to come straight home from work and have a nutritious, tasty meal on the table in 30 minutes!  I had to find recipes that were quick, easy, and good.  I had to learn to cook on a gas stove (OMG!!!  I singed my eyelashes off once trying to light the pilot light!). To compound the difficulty, I had to get used to his pots and pans that heated differently from mine, and certainly heated differently on a gas stove. This meant that for the first 4 or 5 times I cooked, the common ingredient was char.  Yep, burnt to a crisp but to his credit he ate it without complaint.

Consequently, when I got good at serving up a decent meal, I expected a “Hey honey…good” comment.  Nope. No such thing. I began to feel unappreciated.  Then I began to feel unloved and unappreciated.  Finally, I asked him the questions, “Honey, why don’t you ever say dinner was good?”  His answer?  “Well, I eat it don’t I?”  That was a deal breaker.  I told him, “Fine, I’m not cooking another dinner for you!  We will do take out from now on! And YOU will pay for it!”  And so, it was.  This went on for a year. Finally, I felt so badly about not cooking for us that I went back to cooking.  He went back to eating and never saying “Thanks honey, that was great.”  Not long after we broke up, but not because of the lack of saying thanks for dinner.  His general attitude and lack of appreciation of me that showed up there showed up elsewhere, and so it was…

I’m here, say thanks!

One colleague of mine was late to every staff meeting.  We got so tired of waiting for her and having to repeat what she had missed when she came flying in after we’d started, that we finally had a little talk with her about how her being late disrupted our meetings. She promised she would do better, “But”, she said, “When I am on time, you have to acknowledge that, or I will keep being late.” Yes!  She said that!  Can you imagine?  She is doing what she is supposed to do, and we must thank her for it.  We were too through!  We didn’t thank her for being on time and she didn’t keep it up.

He’s supposed to do that!

Not recognizing and appreciating a change in behavior pretty much guarantees that the person will feel unappreciated and go back to the undesirable behavior. If the change is not important enough to be noticed, then it is not important enough to keep up.  The husband of a friend of mine offered to take care of their 5 children while she went on a much-needed vacation without the family! I asked her if she thanked him for volunteering to be mom and dad for a week.  She, of course replied, “No, he’s supposed to do that!  They’re his kids too!”  She ignored my encouraging her to say thanks anyway. I had some concerns about the future of that relationship.

Tell the whole group

Saying thank you to a group, or team, might sound like a good idea. It’s not. It leaves out the individuals and misses a chance to reinforce the behavior you like.  Yes, it is important to recognize a team or group for their work, but human beings are funny.  It is hard for most of us to take a group credit and feel like we have been individually appreciated. As an individual, I walk away not sure how I earned that credit.  Yep, there is always someone in the group who will take the thanks personally and feel quite good about themselves. But if you want to see that good effort from a team again, at the least be specific about why you are thanking them versus a general “Good job, everyone.”  Specifics give the team or group something to aim for next time.

Family effort

Pre-pandemic, my family had lots of people over for Thanksgiving dinner.  “Lots” means 40 – 50, sometimes even more.  Everyone brought something to share and the potluck was organized so that we knew who was bringing what. The important stuff, turkey, dressing, gravy, mashed potatoes, was always well-taken-care-of and there was lots of other good stuff to eat.  The challenge was finding a house big enough to accommodate all those people!  There was lots of emailing back and forth as to who would be able to host.  Finally, one cousin stepped up and hosted Thanksgiving for several years. Now that I am writing this, I realize I have never thanked him for being the one to create a space for all of us so generously.  Bringing a whole bunch of people into your home is a BIG deal It involves cleaning, rearranging the furniture, decorating, setting out chairs, setting up tables, and allowing all those people in your kitchen (my least favorite thing). It’s a lot of work, yet he and his wife did it for a few years without complaint, and just a cursory “thank you” from the family.  So, as soon as I finish this blog, I am going to send him and his wife a heartfelt thank you.

You too

Here’s an idea:  Maybe there are people in your life that you haven’t thought of who deserve a sincere “Thank you.”  Think about it.  Whom have you overlooked and would benefit from a heartfelt thanks?  I encourage you to stop what you are doing and call, email, or tell them thank you right now.  Let us know how it goes.

Be well during this lovely season of lights.