Never Give Up!
By Pamelagrace Beatty
For Better
I know a number of couples who met on the ‘Net. They married, and in some cases have been married for years! They are different ages from their late 30s to 70s. They are happy! They are the reason I decided to take a chance and try online dating. When I first relocated to Seattle, I was busy establishing my consulting business and didn’t have the time, or the opportunity – or so I thought – to meet potential dating material. After a few years, (and some disappointing dates) I did the numbers and turned to online dating.
To my amazement, there were lots of guys in my age range who also had decided to try dating sites. Some of them were attractive. Some of them were interested in me. Some of them were worth following up with.
For Worse
Then came the hard part. A friend of mine used to continually say to me, “You got to know who you’re dealing with.” He was talking about people in general, but this became very important when it came to meeting people online. Some people were very good writers, and their profiles were intriguing and/or inviting. Some were better talkers, and talking directly could be very engaging. Some were quite attractive, and their photos were alluring. Some were just plain awful and it was easy to pass them up.
“Getting to Know You”
Getting to know a new person, to learn all about them takes time. That is assuming that it is even possible, which it probably is not, because even when you know someone well, people grow and change. My experience was that most of the men I met didn’t want to take that time. It’s not that I wanted to take forever, but I did want to know, “Who dat?” (When I was visiting New Orleans, I met a baby alligator named “Who Dat” and discovered that was a favorite phrase there). I learned to read between the lines. I learned to listen for what was not said as well as what was. I learned that an in-person meeting could definitely end a budding relationship because frequently the good writers couldn’t talk, or the good talkers kept talking and didn’t show much interest in me! Frequently we met for coffee, wine or a meal and I never heard from them again. Or they never heard from me again depending on how you looked at it. That’s called “ghosting” and it has a bad reputation, but it’s not really that bad. Why pursue someone you aren’t interested in and why call them up to tell them that when you hadn’t implied you were going to see them again anyway? Here’s an example:
I met a nice-looking, energetic, smart guy who was a high tech professional. We had a glass of wine and talked. I discovered we were on opposite sides politically. I also learned that he was only interested in me because he had never slept with a woman of color!!! And he told me that point blank! If that was supposed to flatter me, it missed the mark. The conversation went downhill from there. I figured we would never talk again. After a week or so, he called and asked to meet with me. I thought that was a little odd since plainly, we had very different views of the world and the likelihood of our being a match was very, very low. Still, I agreed to meet him out of curiosity.
We met at the same place, had a glass of wine and chatted for a while. Then he mentioned that he had a reason for asking to see me again. There was something he wanted to tell me. I raised my eyebrows, inviting him to keep talking. He told me he wouldn’t be able to see me because he was going back to his mistress. “Mistress?” I asked. “I thought you were single.” He explained that his mistress was a dominatrix. He hadn’t seen her in a long time, and she called recently. He was going to renew his relationship with her, and she didn’t like him seeing other women. I believe (or hope) I managed to keep my face neutral. I don’t want to judge people’s life choices. But it was hard! Dominatrix!!!?? Seriously? I wondered why a man with his background, needed to go that direction? Don’t know. I let it go. A simple “ghosting” would have been preferable. I truly did not need to know that much about his life since we were not going to continue a relationship.
“Taking a Chance on Love”
There is song with this title. The song writers (John LaTouche, Ted Fetter and Vernon Duke) describe the crazy ride of taking a chance on love…again. They imply it’s not going to work but off they go, starry eyed and ready to take that slide again. They hope to have a happy ending this time around. And so, it goes. Dating online presents potential for happy endings. However, like a quarterback playing football, you have to dodge all those players coming after you, determined to take you out of the game! I don’t mean to imply that the motives of those folks looking to find love online are sinister, just looking to do you in – romance wise. I just mean finding what or whom you are searching for will take some tenacity, determination, and intelligence. It also helps if you have a clear picture of the kind of person you want in your life. That way you have a way to determine who is right for you. Time is needed to know if that person is who you think they are. A willingness to be open to finding out if they are is important, too. I think, most importantly, even if they turn out not to be a “forever” relationship, appreciating the times you spent with them (if they were good) and the process of getting to know them is a good thing. Two of my “not right for me” guys are dear friends of mine now. And I have recently met what seems to be a “forever” guy. Time will tell.
When it’s all said and done, online dating does offer a lot more potential mates than we find in our everyday experiences. Of course, there are challenges and possible disappointments. There is also the possibility of meeting the right someone which is worth kissing all those frogs. Yes?
