Granny Had a Boyfriend!
Who Knew?
by Pamelagrace Beatty
Imagine my surprise when I found out that Granny had a boyfriend… I wasn’t against it because I knew she was a little lonely; I was actually glad she had someone to talk to and play card games with. He was a nice old gentleman, polite and soft spoken. He seemed to appreciate my grandmother and it was easy to see that she liked him. They were somewhat formal with each other whenever I saw them together; usually, that was when he came for tea. So sweet. Therefore, the afternoon I called granny, and Mr. Ellison answered the phone, I was shocked. Of course, at first, I thought I had the wrong number. But when I timidly asked, “Is my granny there?” and he brightly said, “Yes, she’s right beside me.” I was stunned! Granny was in bed with Mr. Ellison!!! My grandmother! I never saw Mr. Ellison as a sweet, little, kind old gentleman again! And my chaste picture of my granny changed too.
I was a teenager at the time, and I just couldn’t get over the thought that my grandmother was in bed with a man. Just couldn’t do it. To make some sense out of it, I decided, since they were both old (in their 60s) that they were just lying side by side, fully dressed, talking. That was all. I mean, what else would old people do? Obviously, I had fallen prey to the mistaken belief that old people (anyone older than 25 per my definition) no longer had the same energy, interests, or zest for life that younger people had. Especially old people who had grandchildren.
That incident happened a long time ago. Perhaps fifty years or so. Yet the belief that old people, whom I now define as 60 and above, did not DO sex, still lingered in the back of my mind. I realized this when I was shocked to read that there were some problems with senior citizens who were living in a nursing home, because they were having sex with each other. I will spare you the details, but it wasn’t the problems the seniors were having (or the management was having with the seniors). The fact that the seniors were having sex is what surprised me! I realized I was still hanging on to some antiquated beliefs about seniors. I was also ignoring the fact that I was now in that age group, and my age hadn’t slowed me down. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one.
There are lots of articles written about seniors and sex. In the minds of younger adults, especially many men, but women too, “having sex” is vaginal penetration with the penis. For older adults, this may not always be an option, because a large percent of men over 70 experience erectile dysfunction. The changes in both men and women can cause sex to be a different experience. Both men and women have natural physical changes that occur. There are various ways to manage or counter those changes. With women, more lubricant may be required, or probably will be. With older men, certain medications that help men “perform” better in bed by overcoming erectile dysfunction can definitely make having sex good for both. Other issues like physical ailments which require certain medications that can also cause erectile dysfunction may need to be worked around. Simply aging, causes enough changes that expanding how we think about sex becomes very important.
The articles about this topic frequently say that taking the time to be more intimate is necessary. One woman mentioned to me that it takes her longer to get aroused, but it takes her guy longer too. She laughed when she told me this and then said, “It’s great that men now have to take more time doing foreplay, not just for me but for themselves.” Kissing and cuddling have moved up the hierarchy of sexual enjoyment! Vaginal penetration by the penis is being augmented, if not replaced, by good finger work, sex toys and other ways of creating sexual pleasure. What is called for, if you want better, more or some sexual activity as a senior, is to realize things are different for older adults, and be willing and prepared to embrace those differences. Some women have said they enjoyed sex more, once they passed menopause than they ever did before. Partly, they said, the fear of getting pregnant was gone. But there also seems to be more than that going on. A certain freedom or releasing of inhibitions may be a reason why sex is more fun. Perhaps being more comfortable as a sexual being comes along with the maturity and self-confidence of having lived and learned a little “sumpin’ sumpin’.” Who knows? Either way, more older women are enjoying having sex with their partners than one would imagine.
Not that many seniors discuss their sex lives, especially the ones who don’t have one. Those who do have a good sex life pretty much keep that information to themselves. One man told me his friends were tired of hearing him talk about his sex life. He was meeting, dating and “diddling” lots of women he discovered on dating sites. He was experiencing the thrill of being popular and dating around that he missed by marrying at a young age. The guy was making up for lost time. His married friends definitely did not want to hear about his exploits! I don’t blame them. Having to listen to their friend brag about having way more fun and sex with women while the friends who listened to him were married, true, and maybe slightly bored, could be a difficult thing to endure.
But one female friend of mine decided to re-engineer her disappointing marital relationship. She had been married over 50 years to the same man. Their relationship was far less than what she wanted. They frequently bickered, rarely went out anywhere together, and never ate meals together. He spent all his time, when at home, in his “man cave” where he listened to music and worked on his computer. He didn’t even come out when friends dropped by to visit. Things were looking bad for this long-term relationship. Then my friend decided to change the way they related to each other. She offered up the perspective that both of them were good people and the mistakes they made and the things that they said to each other that were hurtful did not mean they were bad people. It just meant they had bad habits or behaviors that could be changed, if they were willing to change them. To my amazement, her husband agreed. Since that discussion several months ago, they have turned their relationship around. They are more loving, more physical, and more kind to each other. She is happier than I have ever seen her to be. And I am happy for her!
Here are three things to remember if you are interested in continuing to have a good sexual relationship with your partner or even your spouse:
- Talk to each other. Tell each other what works, what doesn’t work and what might work better.
- Be open to experimentation, but always safe. Change what you have thought was the only way to be sexual when you were 25. Add new positions, sex toys, or play to your times together.
- Take time with each other. Slow that puppy down! Cuddling, caressing, and touching can be as sensual as the “big bang” experience. Lots of little “bangs” are as exciting as that one big one.
Getting physical after 60 can be as good or better than when we were in our 20s and 30s. We have learned so much more (hopefully), and probably all know that life is precious, and every moment is a gift. This is the time to truly enjoy those moments.
