Never be the First to tell Yourself “No!”
by Pamelagrace Beatty
How often have you thought of something you would like to do, or maybe even be, but you talked yourself out of it? Maybe the conversation went like this: “I could never do that because I don’t have enough money, talent, skill, confidence, or knowledge.” Or maybe you thought, “I couldn’t do that because I am not ________ (fill in the blank) thin enough, handsome enough, smart enough, confident enough…” and so on. Consequently, you talk yourself out of giving this new idea a chance. You become the first to tell yourself “No.”
As far as I know, I came up with this saying, but to be honest, I may have coined it from something I read long ago. However it came to me, it has remained a guiding light. As I have considered what I want to do next, it has helped me to remember the phrase, and not stand in my own way when I am daring to do something new and maybe even scary.
I’ve said this phrase to a number of people when I hear them talking themselves out of their dreams. Dreams are so tender and fragile. They are baby ideas that can’t stand or walk by themselves. They need to be coddled and nurtured and only brought out or shared with others when they can withstand the slings and arrows of contrary opinions and discouragement.
I am not trying to imply that there’s an army of people just waiting to shoot down every new idea we might have. I do believe that there is a human tendency to do just that. I think part of the reason is it is in our culture. People are rewarded for identifying what might not work or seeing the fault or discovering a crack in someone’s new idea. We see those people as problem solvers. Maybe we see them as smart people who are good critical thinkers. That’s all well and good if those critical thinkers, after identifying the faults come up with a stronger approach to making the idea happen. Frequently, however, the negative criticism is all that happens and the answer to how to correct the situation doesn’t get discussed, which makes the criticism a potential dream killer.
We need the visionaries. We would never have gotten to the moon if John F. Kennedy had not held that dream. We wouldn’t have the progress we’ve made in healing the human body without those determined to find a way to do what seemed like the impossible (think open heart surgery!). We wouldn’t be flying from country to country in hours had it not been for the visionaries. Many of these people have flown in the face of contrary opinions. They have succeeded in making their dreams come true. Think of Henry Ford or Thomas Edison, or Mariah Carey, or Beyoncé. All of these folks and more met with controversy when they shared their dreams. Henry Ford worked long to finally produce the Ford automobile. Mariah Carey wanted to be a famous singer as a child and was laughed at by other children and even adults. That’s all well and nice you might say. “But what does it have to do with the ordinary folks who dream; the folks who are just dreaming little dreams?” It has everything to do with us. Although our dreams may not be as significant to the world as inventing the light bulb or the laptop, our dreams are important to us and we face the same challenging negative responses that the visionaries with the big dreams face.
When my sister and I were children, we learned never to share our dreams with anyone. We found that the minute we said, “I think I’d like to be a doctor when I grow up;” or, “I want to see the world when I grow up;” we got all kinds of contrary opinions, and assurances that our dreams would never happen for us. I remember being told, when I wanted to take a foreign language in junior high, that my knowledge of English was so bad that I would never succeed in learning a new language. So, I was kept out of the language program. They were partially right; in that I had a very light understanding of the complicated elements of English (gerunds and past participles…oh my!!) When we were asked to dissect a sentence, you might as well have asked me to speak Greek.
However, I got to learn both French and German in high school. After studying French, I found English to be like child’s play. And, despite my alleged inability to learn a new foreign language because of my lack of knowledge and interest in English, I majored in foreign languages. It led me to achieve my big dream of seeing other countries and cultures by becoming an international flight attendant.The school officials had said “No” to my dream of learning a foreign language. But they never knew about my dream to see foreign countries. I was smart enough not to tell them about it. I told no one about it until the day I saw an ad for flight attendants for an international airline.
Because so many of us have had our dreams squished early on, we stop dreaming. And at this point, as retirees, some of us don’t know what to do with our lives because we’ve lost our dreams and we’ve lost the ability to dream. So, this is the important part: Know that we actually can still dream. And we can make those dreams come true. Again, they don’t have to be big earth-shaking or lifesaving dreams although it’s nice when they are. Even if we only make a difference in our immediate surroundings, our own little world, we are doing something grand. Just showing up in the world as a happy person, a positive person, and encouraging and supporting others we know and love, can make a difference in the world and in our very own lives.
I confess that it can be difficult to trust the dream. It’s difficult because the dream is in our head. It’s not right in front of our eyes, and frequently the dream is different from what we are experiencing in the present. It can be a challenge to believe that our dream really could come true. When I decided to leave my full-time job and become a self-employed consultant 25 years ago, I spent a number of months being petrified that I would fail. This was after I quit the job. It required having faith in myself and making a plan of how to achieve my dream. That’s what I did, and that’s what I’ve been doing for a long time. Now, my dream is to be fully an artist as a painter, a singer and a speaker. And the challenge is to let go of the work I have done before, and put myself wholly into creating a new life as an artist. It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I’m willing to throw myself entirely into that endeavor and trust that I can make it happen. However, I cut down my consulting work from a 40-hour week to 20 hours to none. Now, I have finally gotten up the nerve, faith, and confidence to make this happen. My very next step is to make a plan.
No matter how old we get, the challenges continue any time we begin to want something different from what we already have. Sometimes it seems like everything seems against our success. But all we have to do is look back at our lives and learn from ourselves. Remember how we did it in the past. Learn from our past successes and apply what worked. But most importantly, we first have to allow ourselves to dream. And right after that, we have to say “Yes” to the dream.
