How Do I Love Thee?
by Pamelagrace Beatty
Do they love you? Can’t quite tell? If they do love you it’s certainly not in a way you understand. And there-in lies the rub. We all show our love, but not necessarily in the same way. Gary Chapman, author of the bestselling book, The Five Languages of Love has shed thought provoking light on the different ways people love. Admittedly, some disagree with the five approaches he selected but I doubt anyone who has loved and been loved could argue with the fact that people do, indeed, show love differently, yet it’s still love.
First, here are the 5 love languages Chapman writes about. I will just touch on them briefly and I recommend you read his book. The book is short and engaging and helpful in determining what your own love language is, as well as deciphering the love language of others, particularly those who might be important to you.
Five Languages of Love
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Receiving Gifts
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
What I have found most interesting about these qualities or “languages” is that:
1) We may have more than one of them or even all of them as our own language, but some may be more dominant than others. For example, I know words of affirmation is a primary one for me. I look for opportunities to give people compliments and to reinforce positive behavior or support and encourage friends, family, and clients. My affirmation love language also backs up my acts of service language. I like to do things for people, be of service, help them with what they need or want. Much of my work life has involved helping others. Even though my jobs have changed, the opportunity to help others was always a part of it. My third love language is physical touch. I have found it helpful to touch people in order to comfort them or to literally let them know I love them. And to be honest, touching others satisfies an emotional need in me.
2) There is more than one way these languages show up in what people say or do. For example, that know-it-all that not only tells you what to do but how and when to do it, may just be exhibiting the acts of service love language. They may consider themselves being helpful and encouraging you to do what’s best. Or, that person who buys things they think you ought to have may actually be trying to be of service, not just showing the language of giving and receiving gifts.
I bought a new shower head for my boyfriend’s mother’s bathroom when we were out visiting her back east. I noticed her shower head had only one dial and I had enjoyed the one I had in my apartment so much because I could change the force and direction of the water by simply turning the dial. That made taking a shower so relaxing. My boyfriend said, when he saw the gift, that I was criticizing the shower nozzle she had and giving her what I thought she ought to have in her shower. I felt misunderstood, betrayed and hurt. I thought I was giving her a gift she might enjoy. I was not trying to be critical of her. He definitely didn’t understand giving gifts as an indication of love. And he was not a gift-giver himself.
What I have found most important about these languages is to realize people DO say “I love you” differently. Recognizing that we say “I love you differently” is one step. Understanding which language(s) someone dear to you or in your circle of friends and acquaintances uses and values, is equally important. Is that neighbor across the street, who always peeks through his curtains when someone drives into your cul-de-sac and stops at your house, just being nosy or is he being protective because he cares (being of service)? What is your spouse or partner saying when they don’t want to go out to dinner but would rather stay home and have a nice dinner with you? Are they just being cheap, or is it that they want to spend quality time with you because they like being with you? Going out to a party or a movie or even out to dinner in a crowed, loud restaurant doesn’t equal quality time. If that person’s love language is quality time, they will be disappointed with their experience. Of course, there are times when going out and joining others is fun. Communicating with your partner, or friends about what’s important to you and them will help guide you in determining what would be most pleasant for them and when.
I have a very shy friend who is quite uncomfortable in crowds. Of course, she married an extrovert (who wouldn’t?). He loves going to parties and large family gatherings. She cringes at the very thought. For her birthday, he gave the kind of gift he would love, a big surprise party with all of their friends invited. He did all the preparation, cleaning and inviting! He was so proud of himself for pulling the party off without a hitch and without her knowing it was happening. He had her best friend take her out to dinner on her birthday because he had to “work.” My friend was a little disappointed, but she liked just having dinner with her good friend. They could talk about things they wouldn’t ordinarily talk about with others, or her husband, around. They had been friends since childhood and had lots of subjects to examine or re-examine at any given time.
She and her friend shared an entire bottle wine at dinner, and both were totally relaxed and happy, until my friend walked through her front door and everyone yelled, “Surprise!” My friend put on a happy face but inside she was dying! A whole crowd of people in her living room and she would have to be conversational, enthusiastic and happy and sober for hours! She managed to do that for three hours and then the meal and wine took over. She politely excused herself, leaving her husband and the party still going. Her husband had no idea what a strain the party was on her. This is why it is helpful not only to have an understanding of what someone’s language of love is, but to respect them and know how to “speak” to them in that language.
Whether Gary Chapman’s list of five languages is totally correct or not, his theory that people say “I love you” differently is most likely true. By reading his book or doing a little research online, you might gain insights into not only others’ language of love, but your own as well, and potentially improve your relationships with people you care about.
