A Kind Word or Deed
By Pamelagrace Beatty
Sometimes a kind word can make a major difference, and start someone on the path of healing. You never know where that word will come from. You never know when a bit of kindness you show to someone makes a difference in their life. Maybe you give someone an unexpected compliment, like telling a woman in the grocery store you like her outfit. I was at the grocery store and saw a young woman being very caring and sweet to an older lady. As the older woman left, the younger woman kissed her on the cheek and said, “I love you grandma.” So, I told her how much I liked the way she treated her grandmother. The young woman blushed and smiled when I complimented her. We may think that the more mature and accomplished we are, the less we need compliments or empathy or approval. We think we’re beyond that. Perhaps… But sometimes, despite our age and experience, we can be surprised.
New Job New Rules
I didn’t realize my feelings were hurt until I told the recruiting assistant about the discussion I had had with my manager. I was new to the company. I’d been working only a few weeks as a temporary senior recruiter when my manager called me into a meeting with her. She wanted to know what I had been doing with my time. I hadn’t spoken with her in a week, but I had been reading up on the company culture and policies, and getting to know my clients. I thought that was a good thing to do since, in Human Resources, these were things job candidates would expect me to know. However, my manager was not happy with that. She asked how much actual recruiting I had done in the past week (week two of my time with the company). “Well,” I said, “I’ve been talking to the managers but I haven’t started recruiting for them yet. I’m getting to know their needs.” Apparently, that wasn’t the answer she wanted. The talk went on and I got a better feel for her expectations. I was embarrassed at having missed the mark, and I wasn’t happy with the way the manager expressed herself, but I understood her concerns.
The following day, I spoke again with the recruiting assistant. We had had great conversations about the ins and outs of the hiring process, and how she and I would work together. I had emailed her a summary of the conversation we’d had the day before, and copied the manager on the email. Copying our manager was not something I’d done before, and I wanted her to know why I did it. When we got together, I described the conversation I’d had with our manager the day before. She was very empathetic; genuinely empathetic. She explained that the manager had a good heart and always meant well. Sometimes the manager gets a little anxious and speaks bluntly, but at least you know where you stand. The assistant liked knowing where she stood. She found it helpful to know right away if she had made a mistake or was going in the wrong direction. She also said the manager was very forgiving.
Apparently, the recruiting assistant had heard something in my voice that I wasn’t even aware of and she responded with empathy. And it was then that I realized that the manager’s way of expressing her issues with me had upset me. I also realized in that moment how the recruiting assistant’s efforts, to understand my upset and explain the manager’s personality, helped me get past my hurt feelings. After talking to the assistant, I made a plan to address the issue with my manager in more depth, and to come up with a plan that would work for the both of us. The kind touch of the recruiting assistant’s words stayed with me for days.
Trite or True?
So often we take kindness for granted. Even more often, we call ourselves saying something kind in response to someone’s upset that is superficial at best, and we think the person we are talking to doesn’t realize how superficial what we just said is. I have taught interpersonal communication skills, and some people have told me how irritating it is when someone gives them false sympathy. The worst is what people have said to someone who is grieving a loss of a loved one. The responses range from trite to absurd. “Well, they are better off now” is offensive. “They are finally out of their pain” is a nice try, but not what the grieving person needs to hear in that moment. “She has lived a long life; it’s O.K. if she goes now,” said the doctor to my aunt when my aunt’s mother was in the hospital. My aunt was furious! She took my grandmother home, nursed her back to health, and my grandmother lived for another four happy years!
Although “I’m sorry for your loss” has become the latest trite expression. If said with genuine empathy it can be helpful. Also “I’m sorry,” said simply and truly can help. If you don’t know what to say in the moment, don’t say anything.
Deeds:
I was at the airport standing in line behind my mother’s wheelchair. It was the first time I had taken her to the airport since she had become wheelchair bound. I didn’t know the protocol, but I thought there was a way to move ahead in the line if you were disabled. I asked one skycap, who rudely blew me off. My heart sank. I didn’t want my mother to have to suffer through waiting in this line. I knew there was another way, but didn’t know what it was, and I couldn’t leave mom there by herself while I went to find someone else to help us. Then I caught another skycap’s eye. He came right over and told us we didn’t have to wait in line. He took over wheeling my mother, and led us through the checkpoint to a special counter for disabled people, and on up to the gate (at that time a non-passenger could go to the gate). I was so relieved I nearly cried. Tears did come to my eyes; I just didn’t let them fall. As far as he was concerned, the skycap was just doing his job the other one obviously was not). I tipped him, of course, but nothing could repay him really, for the kindness and consideration he showed my mom and me that day. Yes, I did make arrangements for wheelchair passengers after that, but I here it is, years later, and I am still thankful for the help the skycap gave us that day.
Think before You Leap
Being kind to others should be easy, but it isn’t. It requires that we think before we open our mouths. Long ago I ready in a book about communicating to consider these three steps before we say something that might hurt someone’s feelings:
- Is it true?
- Is it necessary?
- Is it kind?
There are other elements to consider but those three are very helpful and could save some hurt feelings and needless drama. It keeps it simple. May it be helpful to you someday.
