3 Eye-Opening Epiphanies from My Forays into Online Dating
by Pamelagrace Beatty
Off and on, for years now, I have used online dating sites! It might appear that online dating didn’t work for me and that would be true if “work” meant meeting someone and living happily ever after. But in fact, “work” can mean many things. And part of what work means is how much I’ve learned from the various experiences I’ve had as I met men online. Here are some key things I learned about dating online:
- Be Ready to Date
Dating online works better for you if you want to meet someone. There are some people who sign up for the sites but aren’t sure they really want to be in any sort of relationship. They find that out about themselves, and you do too, when they are sitting across from you and suddenly realize they don’t want to do this. I can understand; I’ve been there too. I thought I was ready for the adventure of meeting a new prospective partner, but I was actually reacting to having broken up with my last love interest and may have jumped back into dating too soon. I’ve met numerous men who did the same. There were men who had lost their spouses and decided meeting someone online would ease the pain or bring them what they missed so much that their spouses had once provided.
For some, their relationship with someone had fallen apart and they wanted to replace that empty space in their lives quickly. They were not really open to connecting with another person other than superficially (meaning sexually) and the plethora of women on the dating site offered lots of opportunity. Some just weren’t ready to be in a relationship at all. Not being ready to date causes confusion and disappointment when the other person is looking for a relationship and makes the incorrect assumption that if you got on a dating site, you are ready to be connected or to at least date. It is not fair to either of you. So, do your personal homework, and be honest with yourself. Make sure you are truly up for a new relationship and willing to put in the work it requires.
2. Know Whom You’re Dealing With
Newcomers to dating sites frequently make this mistake. They tell too much too soon and fail to get to know the person they are talking to. It is not only okay to hold back on what you tell about yourself; it is recommended for your own safety. Every dating site has a list of what you should NOT share with someone you just met online. For most it’s common sense (I would hope) like not sharing your bank account identification, credit card information, don’t send money to someone you just met online and so on… Get to know that person first. And this could take a while. Be willing to invest the time it might take.
Remember, not everyone on a dating site is honestly interested in having a relationship or it may not be the kind of relationship you want. It is important for you to find out what it is they want and asking them directly may or may not get you the right answers. Sooner or later, however, the truth will out. If you hang in there long enough you will learn who they are. It is essential to know who they are and what they really want.
You may have to sidestep your dream of finally finding “the one,” put it on hold for a moment or two, and move into an investigative mode. I found that asking lots of questions helped initially. Of course, you don’t want to sound like you are cross examining the person but questions about their background, interests, relationships with friends and family, can help you get beyond the façade we all show to the public. You can find lists of questions that help you get to know people by searching the Internet. Just be gentle with the questioning.
A couple of years ago I wanted to get to know a rather quiet man better, so I found a list called, “40 questions to make someone fall in love with you,” or some equally stupid title. In reading the list I liked the way they mixed light questions with intense or deeper ones. The author guaranteed that after both people had answered all the questions, they would break through barriers each had and would know and love each other. Yep, right. I fell for it. I sprung the questions on my quiet friend who was reticent to share his thoughts and feelings. I give him credit for answering all the questions even though he didn’t know their intention and grew annoyed with the process. I answered them too. When we got to the very last part where we were supposed to stare into each other’s eyes for five minutes or more, he refused.
He left his house and went for a walk. On the upside, I did learn a lot about him. On the downside it absolutely did not bring us closer and he was pissed at me for a while. What I learned from that was to be willing to let things unfold. Two years later we are still in a relationship. I like him a lot. I still ask questions but only a few at a time. I learn a little more about him each time we are together. But I now know some essentials like he has morals, he is kind, he is caring, he is sexy, and he is willing to make our time together delightful. So, I am willing to be with him as I get to know him.
3. Be Open to Learning More About Yourself
Dating online is a wonderful teaching tool…about you…if you are open to learning more about yourself. For example, I learned that I fall in love too easily. I also learned that I truly wanted to be in a relationship, but I didn’t want to change how I lived my life. I learned that I could be impatient, and I could get angry pretty fast, too fast. I learned that I didn’t speak up for myself often enough nor ask directly, for what I want.
On the other hand, I learned that it is wonderful to have an intimate relationship where someone cares about me and I care about him. I even found a way to enjoy meeting men online and not letting the disappointment of discovering they are not “the one” bother me. I’ve learned to have more patience and even forgiveness with the people I’ve met online. And I’ve learned to be less judgmental. The person may not be ready to date or may not be someone I would want to date but that doesn’t necessarily make them a bad person, for the most part.
There are some exceptions but that’s for another post. Regarding myself, I’ve learned to be less judgmental, critical and more forgiving of my own mistakes and confusion. Most importantly, regarding myself, I learned to love myself! How can I expect someone to love me if I don’t love me? Loving myself helps me get through the ups and downs of online dating and so much more. What’s most gratifying about it is, if I love me, it doesn’t matter so much if others don’t. And, what’s most ironic about it is if I love me, it makes me more loveable to others. So, there you go. Some things to consider when dating online or even simply in living life.
Care to share? What have YOU learned from your online dating experiences? Respond to us at Boomer-Life-Today.com!
