Failure is Feedback

by Pamelagrace Beatty

Don’t you just hate criticism?  No matter how it is wrapped, no matter if they say, “Oh I’d just like to give you some feedback…” it still stings, sometimes even cripples us.  Remember those teachers who told you you couldn’t do something or that you would never amount too much? I had so many of them.  Who were those people?  What made them so sure they knew who we were and what we could be?  Did they walk around with a “potential” dipstick in their pocket? 

I discovered that lots of people had negative supporters, people who stifle your attempts to do something and convince you that you are less capable than you are.  Sometimes these folks thought that by telling you couldn’t do something, that you would try harder.  I later learned that is what some of those who criticized me actually hoped would happen. They thought I would be inspired to work harder, do more and get where they wanted me to go.  You know what?  That worked, after I became an adult, but not as a child. We are more sensitive as children and tend to believe what the “grownups” or those in authority tell us. 

As an adult, all someone had to do was tell me I couldn’t do something, and I was off and running to prove them wrong. And I did.  But that was not what happened when I was a child.  I believed the naysayers and so I gave up on dancing, painting, writing poetry and algebra.  I admit I didn’t regret giving up on algebra, but I did regret the “D” I got in it. Much later in life I did dance, paint and write poetry, to my heart’s content.

You might be wondering what changed?  Why was I able to overcome my reaction to negative feedback?  Well, two things happened:

1. I became aware that I did have skills and talents to offer and that someone would value them. Knowing this freed me from the past and opened up a whole new world for me.
2. I also learned to take criticism as feedback and failure as feedback.  I discovered that criticism could actually be helpful to what I was trying to do in the long run. And failing at something had lots of information for how to do better next time, if I studied it. I learned not to take either personally or see them as a measure of the whole of me, who I was.  If I failed at something I did, I recognized the failure had lots of information for me to think about and decide whether and what I might change to be more effective the next time.

Then…

Getting so mad when I was told I couldn’t do something was wonderful fuel for doing better. It made me drop my own perception of my limitations and work beyond them.  It galvanized me, made me work harder.  It wasn’t as much fun as simply doing something because I loved doing it, but it still was fun to prove “them” wrong. Then, one day, after working for companies for over 20 years, I decided to become an independent consultant. I went out on my own.  When I told my colleagues and former supervisor my plans, of course they told me I wouldn’t succeed.  One colleague actually laughed in my face and said, “Oh Pamela, only 13% of the population sees things like you do!” She knew my Myers Briggs profile.  She was saying my personality and ways of approaching things were rare in the majority of people. I was too different to succeed.  I silently laughed at her because I felt that being able to see things others couldn’t see, was what would make me successful as a consultant.  And it did.  So, of course I had to prove that I could do this.  Then, after six months of being on my own, I woke one morning and realized I no longer had anyone to fight against, to prove something to.  None of those people were in my life anymore.  All the wind left my sails.  How was I going to get the fuel, the fight to do this work?  What would push me beyond my limitations now?  It came to me that my impetus had to come from me and my vision of what I wanted to achieve.  So, I became self-motivated.

Baby and Bathwater

There’s an old saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.”  That’s how I had felt for so long.  The things I wasn’t good at, like being detail oriented, or doing paperwork (I would much rather be in action, hands on, in the mix of things) or following orders and having someone look over my shoulder as I worked – all those things were deal breakers for me.  They sucked the joy out of working.   When I was criticized for these lacks, it felt like I personally was inadequate, not just the behavior.  It seemed no credit was ever given to the things I did well, my strengths, my gifts. I got thrown out with the dirty bath water.

If we allow ourselves to believe we are as useless as the dirty bathwater, if we allow ourselves to be defined and limited by our mistakes and failures, WE. ARE. DOOMED.  We are doomed for the rest of our lives and endeavors.  I have met very successful, talented people who, many years later, are still carrying the belief that they are less than adequate regardless of all they have achieved.  My heart goes out to them. I have even pointed out how successful, or talented, or wonderful they are, and they have adamantly denied it. To me this is tragic.  The proof is right in front of them, but they refuse to see their own worth. They have tossed themselves out with the bathwater.

And Finally

There is nothing noble about believing you aren’t worth much or aren’t as good as someone else.  Although many of us have been raised to avoid thinking too highly of ourselves, “Pride cometh before a fall.” some pride is necessary and healthy. Taking a moment to be pleased because we did something well and that benefits us and/or others is a good thing.  Pride can make that head chef create a beautiful dish or that stellar surgeon do an excellent job on repairing your torn rotator cuff.  Who wants to go to a doctor who is not confident s/he can be successful at doing the surgery you need?  Thinking well of our abilities can make a difference in more ordinary things like taking care of our children, learning new skills or creating a whole new life once we retire.  We were successful in other areas and times of our lives, we can be successful again in this different time, the golden years.  Yep, we’ve reached the golden years.  We can see them as tarnished or we can see this as the bright and shiny best time full of more opportunities to grow, contribute and have fun!