Forgiving- Another Perspective      

By Pamelagrace Beatty

You probably wouldn’t argue with me that forgiveness helps.  You may have read the studies where scientists, not just clergy, agree that forgiveness is good for the soul.  Yet you may still grumble about having to forgive others for some major, or miniscule, offense when they were the ones who committed the offense against you! Phooey on them! No forgiveness for them.

Perhaps you are a step above that (Yes, there is a hierarchy in the forgiveness chain, and if there isn’t, I am making one!) and recognize that you feel better when you forgive others for the offenses you feel they committed.  However, there may be underlying concerns like:

• Feeling guilty about forgiving others because that may feel like you are condoning their behavior.
• Feeling like you shouldn’t have held whatever it is against them in the first place.
• Feeling embarrassed or silly for having done so. 

Maybe you feel you should be above all that, being the enlightened soul that you are. Or maybe that’s just me.  Regardless, those feelings too, can get in the way of forgiving.  And even if it’s just  me who feels that way, you might learn something from my mistakes, yes?

I’ve done a lot of self-examination over the years. I continually check myself when describing a situation where I sing the “Somebody done me wrong song.” There is actually a country western song with that title.  I love it.  It’s funny.  But buying into being done wrong on a regular basis makes you a victim. When we see ourselves as victims, we are powerless.  The therapeutic perspective, and even the metaphysical perspective, is that we have given away our power. We have allowed someone or something to dictate how we feel and respond.

Not Feeling It

Intellectually, we get that.  Emotionally?  Not so much.  We hold on to things that happened in our childhood. We might think of them as though they occurred just yesterday. We may find ourselves bringing up these old grievances repeatedly to friends and family.  Worst of all, we may be acting certain ways because of these grievances and may not be aware of their influence and how we are using them to justify our behavior. For example, a friend of mine had a wife who dumped him for someone else a few years into the marriage.  This friend was an attractive, smart, capable guy.  By the time I met him he was single and actively pursued by many women.  However, it was clear to me that he wasn’t over his wife walking out on him. It came up often in conversation and led to him distrusting women in general, and with good reason, or so he thought. Of course, this lack of trust got in the way of forming a love relationship with another woman for many years. 

Another friend of mine made a decision to not let his former marriage failure get in the way of new possibilities.  He has met a lovely woman and is creating a good relationship with her.  Yes, now and then the ghost of relationships past haunts the new one, but he is able to recognize it and take corrective actions, like apologizing for overreacting to something his new friend says or does. ySometimes he even goes so far as to admit that he was acting from a wound from the past. He sees that perhaps he has a little more forgiveness work to do. His willingness, however, to admit that his reaction might be more connected to his past relationship and his residual upset, rather than what the new person actually did or said, has helped to get them both past that little bump in the relationship road.

So, it’s All About Me, Huh?

You might wonder if I am saying we are always at fault.  Nope, that’s not what I am trying to say.  What I am saying, however, is we got choice, pardon my grammar.  We can’t necessarily change the past nor even change someone’s behavior in the present, but we can choose how we react to it.  The scientists, clergy and metaphysicians would agree.  Often, I have seen references to Viktor E. Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning. I read this book over thirty years ago and it has stood out in my mind ever since.  Viktor Frankl was an Austrian neurologist, psychiatrist, philosopher, author, and Holocaust survivor. He has written several books and is the founder of logotherapy, a school of psychotherapy that describes a search for a life’s meaning as the central human motivational force.

The reason Man’s Search for Meaning  stood out for me was that in the book, Mr. Frankl told of his experience as a Jew in a concentration camp during WWII. He saw the horror and brutality there, and his way of dealing with it was to decide to be a different person from the heartless guards, and anyone else who succumbed to the terrible conditions and became like those around them. Per my memory he said, “I can’t stop the guards from being brutal, but I can keep myself from being like that.” He chose to be a better person than what he saw around him.  This was significant, because as the prisoners were dehumanized, beaten, starved and killed, some lost the will to be the human beings they once were. There is much more to the book than I am describing here.  Mr. Frankl’s decision to be more than a powerless prisoner was what stuck with me. He showed that regardless of conditions, we can still make choices.

So, I Have to Forgive Them No Matter What, Eh?

Well, we don’t have to forgive them, but we live a better life if we do. And here’s a little secret…are you ready for it?  Forgiving ourselves is at the top of the list! I learned this in a class I took many years ago.  We were given homework which was to make a list of people we needed to forgive every night, and forgive them.  We were to do this for a week. I dutifully made my list, surprised at how long it was, and how many different people I put on it each night. I had no idea I was harboring all that hurt! A week later, when we discussed the exercise in class, I shared what I had learned with the class.  I also told the instructor I still felt kind of “funky,” not light and at peace like some of the other class participants.  He nailed it when he asked, “Well, did you put yourself on that list?”  There it was.  I had not even thought to include myself in the process.

Since then, I have practiced forgiving myself on a regularly basis.  That list never ends. It’s like washing the dishes.  As soon as you eat again, you dirty them up, so they need washing.  As we live each day, we generate reasons to forgive ourselves and others. I am finding, however, that recognizing my part in what happens to me, and forgiving myself for whatever part I played in it has set me free.  I find it much easier to have empathy for and forgiveness of others. I have found that in forgiving myself regularly I am kinder to myself. I quiet down those voices in my head that are berating me for saying something dumb or making a mistake.  I no longer fall on the sword when I am not perfect. It is such a relief.  I acknowledge that I made a mistake and vow to do better next time, and I do. 

So, I find that forgiving myself is not only powerful, but perhaps even more so than just forgiving someone else. Both are necessary for our own mental health and the healing of the planet.