Got Help?

By Pamelagrace Beatty

Do you have a posse? A group of friends who have your back when you need it? Or, are the people around you sucking the energy and life out of you? Which would you prefer?

In this time of change and challenge we are doing things we haven’t done before. We are, out of necessity, having to be creative with how we live and how we manage our lives. As we create these new lives it’s very important to have support. One mentor told me to take a look at whom I surround myself with, i.e., take a look at my five closest friends. Are they supportive and caring and cheering me on? Or are they critical, derisive and disparaging, or are they a mixture of both?

Many of them – and us – are a mixture. The type of people we surround ourselves with is very important. So, the questions are, who’s your BFF and what’s your BFF like when it comes to supporting and encouraging you? Again, this is very important when we are in the midst of experiencing difficult times or making changes in our lives.

I am not suggesting that you take a look at your friends and family and drop everybody who ever criticizes you. But I am suggesting that when we are in the midst of creating something new in our lives, or making our way through a challenging time, we should be thoughtful about who supports us and who doesn’t and lean into who supports us.

For example, while working on my master’s degree, I had a run-in with my fellow classmates.  We were in a two-year program together and the area of study was human behavior.  I made the mistake of breaking the rules in one of our experiential exercises. I stepped out of the game and observed the players.  Then I had the unmitigated gall to give the group a critique on how they played the game…also a breaking of the rules. The instructor and some in the group were very upset with me. What I did was to point out an error in the design and participation of the exercise.  Only the instructor was allowed to do that.  My bad. The instructor told the class that we would have a “special” time set aside to deal with me about it.  The look of eager anticipation in that moment on some of my fellow classmates’ faces was frightening.  It was so scary, I considered quitting the program, but I was half-way through and had put in a lot of work toward getting this degree. I believed it would open doors to the work I really wanted to do.

So, I decided to ask my friends for advice on how to handle the situation.  Here comes the fun part…Some of my friends immediately assumed I was in the wrong and probably deserved what was coming. They decided this before they even heard the whole story!  I was surprised at their reaction.  I wondered what I had done during the course of our friendship that made them think so little of me.  Evidently, I had some cleanup work to do there.  Fortunately, I had other friends who listened patiently, gave me good advice and even had two classmates offer to sit on either side of me during the “feedback session” when we went back to class.  Because of that support, I was able to handle the situation without fear and with some humility and some strength. I was very thankful for those supportive people.  They didn’t tell me I was right and everyone else was wrong.  They simply said, “Here’s how we can support you.” It can make a difference to have people in your life who can support you during the times when you are at a loss for what to do.

Sometimes that support is missing closer to home.  As children we may not have gotten the kind of emotional support we needed, even though our parents and/or others in the family cared about us and wanted us to succeed in the world. Growing up, my mother and I were always at odds because we were so very different. Now that I am way past grown-up, I realize that I had more in common with her than I knew. When I moved back to Seattle 16 years ago, I did it to be near my parents in the winter of their lives. And toward the end of my mother’s life, we became best friends. The ironic thing is I had always wanted my mother as a best friend, not the mother who still tried to tell me what I should and shouldn’t do. I wanted her to be the one saying, “You go girl!” or “Hey, sweetie, did you think about this?”  

By the time I moved back to Seattle, my mom’s hearing was quite diminished.  Talking to her in less than a shout, was impossible.  I started communicating with her through emails.  That turned out to be wonderful!  I could say all I wanted to say and have her “hear” it, which didn’t really happen even before she lost her hearing.  I shared what was going on mainly with my work, because I was a contractor and had many different positions and sometimes my parents didn’t understand what happened when a contract ended. Most of my contracts went way beyond the initial agreed-upon time. But each time they ended my parents thought I had been fired. Which was funny because I’d been a consultant/contractor for 15 years. That would’ve been a lot of firing! But that wasn’t the case. As a result of sharing information about how I was doing on my job with my mother, we became much closer and she became my cheerleader. She also became my mentor. And through that process, she became even dearer to my heart. When she passed on, I missed her terribly because I didn’t have another best friend just like her.

So, I set out to find new best friends who would be the mentoring, encouraging, wise, supportive friends my mother was. And you know what? I found some! And having that kind of support really makes a difference, because that means I don’t have to do it all by myself.  I believe many of us are discovering that relationships, friendships, are more important at this stage of our lives.  Those who write about life in retirement say that community and connection to other people is extremely necessary for a balanced and happy retirement experience. It’s also important to have your cheerleaders who are your support group, however that looks for you.

And, if you want serious criticism it’s always good to have those folks too. The ones who will tell you the brutal truth that will take you maybe an hour or a few days to get over, but later you appreciate knowing it. Those critical ones, however, need to be treated with “a long-handled spoon” the old saying goes. In other words, a little bit goes a long way with them.  Over the years, psychologists’ studies have shown that it takes approximately 5 positive communications to offset one negative one.  So, if you find yourself surrounded by Debbie or Davie downers, set a new path for yourself.  Find folks that support you and go for it. And remember that “long handled spoon.”

Carpe diem.