Grief is Personal
by Pamelagrace Beatty
It’s been a while since I lost a loved one and was also working. I could hear the fear in my manager’s voice when I said my hours had been inconsistent because of the death of my nephew. I knew the manager was concerned that I wouldn’t get my work done, and the managers I was supporting would get upset…with her. My main thought was, “This person should never play poker!” She had clear “tells.” The people I worked closely with at work had been very sympathetic. This was the second week after my nephew’s passing, and perhaps there was an expectation that I should be better by now. In fact, I was. I only cried once an hour, and these were short bursts of tears. The memorial service is coming up soon and we all hope that will get us past the worst of it, and also give us time to really feel it. Some of us know how important it is to allow our feelings about the loss of a loved one to be actually felt!
By now, in the third quarter of my life, I have learned a few things.
- Everyone handles grief differently.
- There is no escaping the feelings. Sooner or later, you will feel them.
- The depth of the grief for most equals the depth of the love.
- The world keeps turning regardless of our loss.
- Ultimately, if we allow it, we will accept and move on.
So, I’m a New Thought minister. My philosophy is an affirming one. We like to see the glass as half full, with the potential and possibility of being completely full and brimming over. Somehow, there is an underlying belief that since life is as good as we make it, and we can make it as good as we want it to be, then, we should always be happy. Well, I know that the two don’t add up, but the “We should always be happy” bit is incorrect. Yes, it is true that life is what we make of it. Yes, it’s true that how we perceive life determines how happy we are. Still, easier said than done.
I work with myself constantly to have a positive perspective, and I’m telling you it takes work! What is most helpful to me, and maybe to you too, is to be thankful. It is so easy to fall down the rabbit hole of woe. It is far easier to pick out all of the things that aren’t going well, or to obsess over one element versus look at the whole. Sort of like every time I look at my set of dishes, I see the chips they got in the dishwasher. The dishes are dark blue and I love them. I am thankful I have the set. It took a while to accumulate all the pieces because I bought a few at a time. I have replaced entire dishware sets because of chips. I’m tired of doing that. Besides, the chips are on the outside edge of the plates and bowls so they are safe, and I can’t find any more of them. O.K., I’ll get to the point. Who cares if there are a few chips on the dishes? I’m not serving dinner to royalty, right?
Sometimes the things we are obsessing about are as minor as a chip on the dishes. Instead of getting all worked up, we can choose to look at it differently. We can walk ourselves through the process and end up on the other side, recognizing the dishes are what they are, or the issue is what it is, and we can move on. It’s all in our perception, how we think.
We all grieve differently
I have observed many folks, myself included, in grief. Mostly I have been quite pleasantly philosophical about it. Until my mother passed. People who knew me were surprised. Even I was surprised. I didn’t take that well at all. There were probably a bunch of reasons. I unpacked some of it, left some of it to manage itself. One element that stood out was toward the end of her life, my mother became my best friend. We had never been friends but I had wanted us to be. Once I moved back to Seattle, I tried to make friends with both of my parents. I talked to them about my life more, because I realized they didn’t know me at this point any better than I knew them. I shared my work experiences (carefully of course) and got helpful perspectives from them. Mom and I emailed a lot because her hearing was almost nonexistent. I think being able to share in that way deepened our friendship. So, when she died, I felt like I had lost my one and only best friend. Ultimately, when I looked more deeply into that, I realized that I did have other friends and I could deepen my relationship with them just like I did with mom.
It is important to respect, even if we don’t understand how others are grieving. One person I know took three years to remove their spouse’s clothing and belongings from their apartment. Another I know got rid of everything within two weeks. One person went out and played golf on the day of the funeral for their good friend. People were shocked but I wasn’t. One person still has all the furniture their parent left. Every room in their house is so cluttered, the person can’t walk in a straight line anywhere. The person is disabled and should have clear space to move but they refuse to part with all the future. They are still grieving. It has been years since the parent passed.
Recognize it, embrace it and move on…incrementally
We don’t have “How to deal with grief” classes in school. We do have grief counselors, support groups and more. What we also don’t have is the realization that we might need help. I looked for grief support through the hospital where my doctor was. No such thing I was told. I didn’t look any further. Had I gotten help, I would have moved through my grief more quickly or at least had less pain. The latter would have been just fine with me.
Since we, in this culture, are so confused and unaware of how to handle grief, we stumble along and hope to get better “by and by.” I learned, when grandmother – whom I adored – died, that it helped to cry whenever I wanted to. My manager graciously “allowed” me to go to granny’s funeral. Grandmothers were not on the approved list of those we could take time off for when they died (Can you imagine that a corporation gets to tell you who is important to you and who is not???) That has changed now and there are more options for how an employee can use their “personal time.” Sick leave, vacation and personal are usually all in one “box” now. Employees can now take time off, if they have it accumulated, for what they need. But I digress — I’m an HR professional, I can’t help it.
Back to handling grief. I have found it is very important to take care of ourselves when grieving. It helps to pamper ourselves a bit by giving ourselves time to just be. It is easy to get lost in work. Getting really busy helps avoid our feelings but as I mentioned before, they are still there waiting for their chance to make an appearance. What I didn’t mention was that, frequently, when they make that appearance, it is at an unexpected or inconvenient time. Sometimes those feelings get misplaced and show up as anger at someone or something that has nothing to do with our anger or upset. Like getting upset because other people are going about their daily lives and seem to expect you to do the same.
Sometimes, we turn those feelings on ourselves, but a healthier way to handle them can be to use our grief to help someone else. People who have lost loved ones unexpectedly have given to organizations, and even started organizations related to their loss, like MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving. We have choices about how we handle our grief, but first we have to respect that we are in grief.
- Be willing to stand up for yourself and give yourself what you need. If it is peace and alone time, do it. Yes, someone in your world might get upset. Be gentle but firm in doing what is healthiest for you at this time.
- Be kind to others. It will make you feel better and will help you make friends versus enemies.
- Be open to remembering all the good things you experienced with this loved one versus blaming or regretting what you did or didn’t do for them.
- Allow the good that they brought to you to become a part of you, and give it back to the world.
- Get help processing your feelings for your loved one so that you can reclaim your life in a healthy way.
Death is a part of living. It is a continuum. Being able to be with it, allow it, to heal and grow from the loss is a gift we can give ourselves.
