Need to Feel Better?

by Pamelagrace Beatty

Once, when I was a kid, I said to my mother, “I’m bored”.  I expected her to do something about that.  Entertain me in some way or tell me what to do to be less bored.  She said, “If you are bored, it’s your own fault.  Go make yourself un-bored!”  That was not the answer I expected, but I did realize that mom was not going to solve the problem for me.  So, I proceeded to do it myself.  I’ve lived that way ever since.

Burned to a Crisp

We can change things in our lives by changing our reaction to them.  Take burnout for example.  I think everyone has experienced it at one time or another.  Have you noticed that burnout, not just with a job where you are working 80 hours a week doing something you may dislike intensely,can also occur with something you absolutely love, like taking care of your grandkids or doing your favorite pastime project like refinishing furniture or gardening.  I used to sew. I loved it because I could design my own clothing by just adjusting a pattern that had the basics of what I wanted.  I would run my sewing machine late into the night because I sewed in the evenings.  I wouldn’t stop until I finally made some big mistake like sewing the cuff on backwards or running a needle through my finger.  Then, I knew I was burned out and had to go to bed.  

Burning out in other parts of our lives isn’t so easy to recognize.  But there are clues.  Take work for example: only being able to see the negative in everything is one big clue. Or not being able to come up with new creative ideas for problems or projects.  Or hating to get up and even go to work.  Other signs of burnout can show up as feeling stressed, pushed, or out of energy.  Stress has its own set of problems.  Stress can show up in the body as illness and diseases such as skin disease, loss of hair, headaches, and even more serious things like heart attacks and strokes. A few years ago, I worked with a woman who had a stroke at her desk at work. She was very involved with her work and worried a lot about doing the right things, helping others and not making her boss mad. Because of these concerns, she came back too soon from her stroke.  

The manager who took over while she was gone resented her, and made things as hard as possible for her when she returned.  I observed this as a contractor. I was amazed at how rude the manager was to the returning manager. It didn’t take long for the person who had the stroke to quit her job for good.  She couldn’t take the stress. I know that sometimes I have stayed too long in positions that I wasn’t happy working in.  We tell ourselves all kinds of stories about why we should stick with it.  We’re not quitters;  we hope things will get better (they never do), or, we need the money (and assume we can’t get that money in a job that we are happier with).

What’s In Your Head?

The stories we tell ourselves are the culprit for causing us stress.  This can be relieved by stopping and noticing what we are thinking…what we are telling ourselves. A test for what part of our thinking we need to change is how does that thinking make us feel?  For example, have you ever joined a pity party?  You know, one of those conversations with another person or people where it’s all negative.  You are just ragging on someone and nobody says anything positive.  When you leave that “party,” how do you feel?  Usually not good, if you are honest with yourself.  I admit, it is really hard to stand on higher ground when everyone else is in the pits and liking it!  Still, you are not doing yourself or anyone else a favor by staying there.  

The same is true for those pity parties in our head!  If we are looking only at the dark side of our experiences in life, guess what?  That is all we will see no matter what’s really happening. Yes, it takes more energy and determination to pull ourselves out of a negative mental tail spin than it does to step away from a friend’s unpleasant conversation.  We are more committed to our way of thinking and seeing the world.  We aren’t listening to that small, quiet voice in our head telling us to take another viewpoint or look on the bright side of things.  We need help to do that.

Here’s Some Help

Personal Retreats: There are things we can do every day to help balance our own thinking besides investing in a therapist, although that can be very helpful.  I find going away alone for a while is good.  I leave the familiar and go off on a weekend retreat to a different town.  I leave my computer behind (usually) and relax. I get up when I want to, walk around the town, eat in a nice or fun restaurant with good food.  I may treat myself to a massage or some chocolate.  I chat with the store owners, and amble through an art gallery or a museum.  When I get home, I may read a book or journal about my trip.  Just writing about these calms me down.  

I started doing short personal retreats 20 years ago and I have loved it.  My body tells me when it is time to get out of the fray and go relax.  Nope, you can’t do this every day, but it can make a big difference for you to do it on a regular basis.  Now, for the everyday stuff…

Journaling: I mentioned journaling.  I read a book called The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron.  Prior to reading her book I had written in diaries haphazardly since I was a kid. Julia recommended writing 3 full pages every day!  She had a lot of reasons for suggesting that.  The benefits of it that I experienced is I clearly saw what I was saying about things in my head.  After a while I could see what was bothering me and even come up with good ideas on how to fix it. I also found that over time I became more relaxed and less anxious about things. I was even able to write encouraging things to myself, so that I would have the strength to deal with what was bothering me in my world.

Meditation: Even the medical doctors agree now about the benefits of meditating.  It used to be a woo-woo thing the hippies did back in the day but now it’s legit. It does take dedication though.  I’ve been meditating for over 20 years.  Yes, I get a little off the everyday schedule but I’m working on that all the time.  There are many different types of meditation, but it doesn’t have to be a big hairy deal. I started off sitting cross-legged on a pillow on the floor with a lit candle and monks singing “Om Moni Padme Hum,” and me repeating this powerful mantra.  Now I get up a little early and sit on the couch, set my meditation app (Insight Timer) for the time I want to meditate and just relax.  It’s nice. I feel refreshed and ready to take on the day.  

There are many other ways to relax and relieve stress.  These are my favorites. Whatever you choose, what’s most important is to recognize when you are stressed, and identify not only what the stressor is but also how you are thinking!  Change your thinking…change your life.