Not My Circus, Not My Clown
by Pamelagrace Beatty
Are you a “Here I come to save the day” type of person? Do you rush in when someone has a problem and offer advice or assistance? Or, do you give the situation some thought before you weigh in? If you are thinking, “I don’t do that. I stay out of other people’s business. Or I only help when requested .” please think again. Wanting to help people out is not a bad thing. In fact, it is a very good thing and should probably be done more often than we do. However, rushing in without giving the situation a lot of thought, well that could be a bad thing. Here’s why:
As a “recovering” save-the-day person, I feel I can speak with some experience about this subject. You see, it is a double-edged sword. On the one hand it is important to help people when we are called to do so. Many folks need help; just look around you or listen to the news. Help is needed everywhere, all the time. The other edge of the sword is when we drop in uninvited to solve someone’s problems (and they don’t want or didn’t ask for that help) or when we do it automatically, without thinking. Example, and no offense meant to men, but frequently women have said that when they complain about something that’s going wrong or not working, their guy wants to fix it for them. He will offer unsolicited advice or action when, according to the women, all they wanted was an empathetic ear and someone to say, “It will all be all right” or, in some cases, “Oh, poor baby” (said with some degree of sincerity).
Yes, I realize I am stereotyping and generalizing. I also know that men are not the only ones who do that. I am a woman and I have done that far too often. I know other women who react the same way. I also know this doesn’t happen just between heterosexual couples, nor does it just happen between couples at all. Habitual saving-the-day can be universal!
As a “recovering” save-the-day person, I am hypersensitive to when I am stepping in to do just that for someone, who usually has not asked for my help. Because when they ask, I take notice of my tendencies and give my next steps some thought. It is the unconscious behavior that is at question. We are not thinking about what we are doing or saying. Usually we react fast, we save-the-day folks, and consequently, we may not be offering the best solution nor action that we would have, had we stopped and given the subject some thought.
The other disadvantage to impulsive save-the-day behavior is taking on unnecessary stress, and more! An example – I have a friend who had a lot of stress in her life. She hated her job. Her children were forever fighting with each other and dragging their mom in to take sides. Then there was her husband who worked all the time, and avoided being in the same room with the family whenever he could. In the moments when things were calm on her front, my friend would then take on the battles of her friends and stand up for them, tell other people what a hard time they were having and how something should be done about it! I am not aware of my friend being asked directly by her friends to champion their causes. What I am aware of is that she got very stressed out about issues that weren’t hers, and that she wasn’t even helping to clear up despite all her desire to help. That’s where, “Not my circus, not my clown” comes in. My friend had enough chaos in her life. She did not have to go out and find more!
Since I have backed off saving everybody and their brother, I find my shoulders dropping back into their normal position versus being stuck just under my ears due to tension. I am still helping where needed or where I want to, but I am off automatic response. I put my super woman cape in the closet and only pull it out when I get a serious “call” that I feel must be answered. It’s nice. It is comforting to stop and ask myself, “Do I really need to get into this? Does it have my name on it? Is this person asking for my help? Is the help they seem to need, help I can or want to give?” I also ask myself, “Is this something they can actually take care of themselves, and…if I help them am I taking away an opportunity for them to grow?” I imagine that last one sounds odd. How do we know we are stopping someone’s growth by helping them? We don’t always know but some things come to mind.
- If they ask for help for the same situation repeatedly, perhaps providing the solution
- If the person blames everyone else for what’s not working in their lives, and has no clue how they might be partly responsible, helping them repeatedly may be a waste of time.
- If they ask for your help and then leave it all up to you…like my friend who borrowed vacuum cleaners from her friends on a regular basis… She asked me to bring it to her and come back and get it. Yes, she had a car and yes, she could drive. And yes, I only did that once!
- If you come to their rescue often but they never come to yours.
You got my drift.
The most important element of this discussion is to know to listen. Most of the people I know who go on and on about an issue are not asking me for help nor advice. They just want to release their upset. That’s it. So, if you are feeling guilty about not rushing in to save the day, don’t. Don’t rush in, and don’t feel guilty. If they really need your help, they will ask for it. Then you can give yourself a moment to decide whether this is your circus and your clown.
