Oh, Give It a Rest!
I know; that sounds bad. Confrontational, even… What I am talking about is giving ourselves, and others, a break! My favorite, somewhat smart-alecky saying is “Build a bridge and get over it!” We can do this by letting go of some of the things we lament — whine — about, or what causes us angst, and any people or situations that fall into those categories. Usually, in a situation, if we dig deeper, we discover that we are at the heart of the issue. It’s not about them; it’s about our reaction to the problem. For example:
Criticism
When we are criticizing others, if we stop and look deep inside (oh mercy!), we find that there is some inadequacy we feel within ourselves that is driving us to criticize others. “No,…” you might say, “…they are truly the problem, not me.” When we cling to the belief that whatever we are critical of is the problem, it allows us to avoid taking any responsibility for our own inadequacies or even admitting we have some.
I once went to a week-long retreat where we called out anyone in the workshop who blamed or complained about other people or situations. It was awful. None of us could avoid doing it. We were all reminded to look inside and see what was causing us to complain or criticize. We didn’t get away with a superficial glance either. The experience was awful. We all discovered we did a lot more whining and criticizing than we were aware of. Over and over again, we also discovered how much more it was about ourselves rather than the object of our criticism. After a while no one dared to complain about anything for the rest of the retreat. I have often wondered what the folks I know who constantly criticize others, say about themselves? I’m guessing that, pretty much, they are even harder on themselves.
Give Ourselves a Break
We would probably agree that we are our own worst critics. How many of you reading this blog are the type that must do everything right? I am talking to the perfectionists. I know there are a lot of us out there. We drive ourselves crazy trying to get something just so. We have these ideas of what is right and what is wrong, and we always want to be on the “right” side. Recently I had this wonderful experience of letting go of what I considered right. It was a small thing, but I had some large feelings around it. The perfectionist I was dealing with was even more energized about being on the right side of things than I. So, I let them be right and I stepped back. I decided to see what the Universe would do with the situation. The Universe came through. It sent us a situation that made the whole question of “right” irrelevant. I was tickled. And I was glad I backed away from having to have it done my way. I let go of being embarrassed at confirming someone else was right and I was (OMG) wrong. My being right just wasn’t that important. It was better to be in the relationship than to be right.
Artistic License
As a painter, I sometimes get caught up in trying to get the painting just right. However, some of my best work has been when I let go of judging my work and just allow my creative voice to sing to me. The painting doesn’t have to look like the photo or object before me. I can change the color, the shapes, whatever! That kind of freedom makes painting so much more fun. We can apply that to anything we do in our lives. Take cooking a meal for example. I have lots of different spices, from cardamom to berbere. I love experimenting with the spices when cooking. I have learned to read the label of what’s in the spice first, because I’ve had some unpleasant experiences when I didn’t. Then I sniff the spice and ask myself, “Would this smell taste good with what I am cooking?” Then I pour or sprinkle it on the food. Since I have spices used in Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Italian, Mexican and other types of cooking, I have lots of choices. How exotic a simple dish like baked chicken will taste depends on how heavy handed I may have been with the spices. Way fun! Even when I am trying a new recipe, I may still venture off into the spice cabinet and see what I can use to enhance the flavor.
I think I may have gotten my adventurous approach to cooking from my dad. When we were coming up, every now and then Dad would cook something up and it would be outlandish! So outlandish my mother would refuse to eat it! But my younger sister and I totally enjoyed his concoctions. He might start with hotdogs and fried potatoes and then he would add a dash of every bottled sauce in the cabinet (think Worcestershire sauce, ketchup, hot sauce, A1 sauce)and then lots of seasonings like onion salt, garlic salt, seasoning salt and more. Yep, these dishes were a little salty but boy, were they fun to eat! Well, at least they were for my sister and me. My mother refused to touch the food because it just wasn’t right. Dad didn’t care and neither did we. So, I imagine that left me with a sense of adventure when it comes to cooking. And yes, I have heard that for every hotdog we eat, we take 35 minutes off of our lives. I think I’m down a year by now.
It Only Hurts for a little While
I know it is hard to let go of being right and making others wrong. What happens is we develop quite the story that stars ourselves as the quintessential victim and the other as the vilest villain. It can be reminiscent of the old TV show, “Queen for a Day.” They interviewed women and had them tell their tales of woe. Whoever had the most woeful story about her life was Queen for a Day and would get the washing machine, or a new car, or refrigerator, or diaper service for all her little ones who still used them.
When we claim ourselves as victims, we sometimes seem to be competing for the most woeful story contest. At least the “Queen” on Queen for a Day got tangible good from her miseries. We don’t. We just get to whine and to alienate people. Is it worth it? Is it making our lives any better? Nope. But it does take some intestinal fortitude to get ourselves to step back and not insist on being right. We must be willing to be humble. To be – wait for it – wrong. Even when we are right, or so we think. The world changes around us. We become someone people want to be around. We are more relaxed, and even happier with our lives, because we allow ourselves more leeway in living our lives. How nice, yes?
I am not saying we must give over being right all the time. Just give up on things that aren’t that important; many things aren’t that important. This makes for a happier and less stressful life, and could possibly improve that relationship we have tried so hard to fix, if they would just realize we are right!
