Online Dating with Eyes Wide Open!
8 key things to know to have a successful online dating experience.
by Pamelagrace Beatty
You are finally feeling like yourself again. It’s been tough getting over that breakup, or even worse, the loss of your loved one. Now, you are feeling lighter, the sun is brighter, you hear the melody in the songs of the birds, and you are beginning to think it might be nice to have someone in your life again. But how do you find that someone? These days, you join the hordes of folks who are meeting online.
“Oh, no! I can’t do that! I haven’t dated in years! Besides, that is something only the young people do.” Actually, it’s not. Older folks are joining online dating sites, and you can too with a little understanding of how it works.
I have been flirting with online dating for 25 years or so. Obviously, I started when I was much younger. I wanted to meet potential love interests outside of my job. Some people I knew placed or answered ads in the personals of a newspaper. That was just too much of a stretch for me. The idea of meeting a perfect stranger (or not so perfect) through an ad in the newspaper was beyond what my introverted personality could handle. Then I discovered video dating. It was new, expensive and selective. It was modern and alluring.
After being chosen to be represented by the video dating agency, you came in and were interviewed and videotaped in a studio by professional interviewers and camera people. They even helped with your makeup. It was quite exciting. Once you were on tape, you were sent tapes to review of choices that matched your preferences. If you liked someone, they were notified and could look at your video. If they liked you, the agency would arrange for you to meet, or something like that. If they didn’t like you, they had to say why. That could be painful. I saw lots of tapes, but few appealed to me and those few who did, all rejected me. For the most part, it didn’t bother me until one of the persons who rejected me turned out to be a director in my company whom I quite liked. He said he could not date a person from a different race. That seriously dampened my respect for him. I thought he was more openminded.
Fast forward to online dating now. Big difference, but still the opportunity to meet people beyond your circle of friends and activities, and still the opportunity to get your feelings hurt – unless you pay attention to the following eight items.
- Have a Clear Vision – not you but of the kind of person you want to meet. “If you don’t know where you are going, then any port will do.” It’s important to have some idea of what your alleged perfect partner will be like, otherwise it will be open season and you will be the prey. You don’t want to be prey, right? You want to be the one who makes the catch. So having an idea of what that “catch” would be like helps you know whom to keep and whom to throw back in the dating pond.
Granted, you need to be a bit flexible. Don’t develop the picture of whom you wish to be with down to the length of their eyelashes and the color of their car. But know what is important to you. For years now, my most important piece of criteria is how I feel around that special person. Another is the look in his eyes when I come to his door. I want his eyes to sparkle when he sees me. Yes, I have more criteria. These two are deal breakers.
2. Have a Pretty Picture – So, we could blame it on being isolated because of the pandemic, but jeez loueez!!! The pictures I have seen of older men with unkempt hair and beards were enough to give me nightmares! I’m talking to the seniors here. We are the ones who may not be that savvy about online dating. And I implore all of you who are considering it to put decent photos on your profile. For the yet-to-try-this folks, that’s where you write about who you are and what you are looking for in a partner.
And… lose the dog, cat, darling grandchild and that damn big fish! Really! Who cares, guys, about how big a fish you caught? Put in photos of yourself, not your family and friends. They didn’t ask to be exposed to the public eye in that way. And even though I love seeing pictures of babies, every time I see a guy with his sweet little babykins, I suspect that it is a ploy to appeal to my maternal instincts. Nope, I’m not buying.
Also, it’s good if you can get a few professional photos or at least professional looking ones. Have an assortment that show you doing different things (except catching big fish! Did I say that already? I did). That will show your versatility and tell more about you.
3. Make it Magical – Keep a certain amount of your information to yourself. My mother always told me I said way too much when I first met someone. I left nothing to the imagination. She was right. It is good to give a bit of information at a time, not your whole life story over dinner, or coffee. Nobody is that interesting.
4. No Sex for 60 Days – Good luck with that one. I have broken that rule more than once especially when I was younger. I did find out, however, that it was a good idea to postpone it for as long as possible. It can be very painful when you jump into bed, have a lovely time and never see that person again. It is very hard not to take it personally.
Sixty days may be asking a lot, but 30 is doable, yes? It just helps to get to know the person you are dealing with before you jump their bones, or they jump yours.
5. Read the Room – Pay attention to the signals. There are bunches of them! I just talked with someone who said they met a nice person, and although they were a little surprised when the person asked them for money, it wasn’t very much, and they wanted to help their new friend out so they gave them the money…several times. I couldn’t believe it! Finally, the person asked them to pay for an emergency airline trip across country to see a sick relative and the handwriting on the wall became clear.
READ THE ROOM! Pay attention to all those little red flags going up in the relationship. Does the person lose their temper over small things? Do they blame others for their lot in life? Do they ask for money? Do they tell you how beautiful/handsome you are before they even meet you. Yes, they saw your picture but are you really as beautiful as they claim? I don’t mean to be a Debby Downer here, but being able to tell when you are dealing with a dishonest person is very important. There are lots of lists on the internet that describe what you should look out for when dating online. Google them, download them and memorize them!
6. “I wanna see You; I wanna see You NOW!” – The online dating gurus used to say, talk to the person for a while. Get to know them. Yeah, maybe. But some of these people are very good writers who spin wonderful tales about themselves. And it is easy to get very comfortable with late night emails and texts (Oh no, did you give them your phone number already?). So easy that you don’t even want to meet them in person and spoil all the fun. I’ve been there. It can be great fun flirting through texts and emails. And maybe more fun than meeting and getting to know them in person. So, just get it over with. Meet that person. They say a picture is worth 1,000 words. Meeting a person in person is worth 10 times that. You can learn a lot really fast, and not waste your time conjuring up amusing texts and emails.
7. Hey! They ghosted Me! – Yeah. It happens. For the innocents, ghosting means that someone you were seeing or talking to simply disappears. No “goodbye.” No “Sorry this just isn’t working out.” Nada. Just gone. Key thing here is don’t take it personally. Being ghosted doesn’t mean you are a miserable worm no one would ever want. They probably didn’t hang around long enough to know you. It means someone just didn’t take the time or have the guts to say they weren’t interested. That’s all. Best approach to being ghosted is to get back on the online dating horse and try again. Think long term, not short.
8. Learn from your Mistakes and be Thankful – What?! Be thankful for your mistakes? Yep, because now that you know better you can do better. I like to think of online dating as continual learning. I have done it for a quarter of century (I like to describe it that way, sounds like a very long time…and actually, it is). You know how computer apps will say this one is in beta or this one is app 3.0? Well, online dating can be like that too. I have learned a lot about myself through the mistakes I’ve made or the questionable dating choices I’ve made. I am thankful for them because they have made me a better person, more thoughtful, more perceptive, more forgiving, and more loving, to list a few personal changes. Last year, I met someone and we are still together. That is actually a first for my experience with men I’ve met online. Some people meet that “perfect partner” right away, but for some of us it might take a few years. This is one of those situations where the journey is almost (but not quite) as important as the destination.
So, darlings, if you are a senior looking for love and are afraid it will never happen again, rethink that. Take a chance and leap into the unknown by signing up for some fun online dating. I would love to know how it goes for you so drop me a line. Bon voyage!
