Spare, or Share, the Wisdom?
By Pamelagrace Beatty
Grandpa sat in a corner with his mouth turned down. After serving him dinner, the rest of the family ignored him and talked about the latest football game, and got into an argument about who would be in the super bowl, while piling their plates high with the delicious food prepared for grandpa’s birthday. A dutiful granddaughter interrupted grandma’s photographing of everyone in the room to serve her plate. Grandma reluctantly put her camera down and started talking to the grandchild sitting next to her about school and other topics of interest. Grandma smiled as the child talked enthusiastically about her friends and activities at school. Grandma had a lovely time at Grandpa’s birthday dinner. Grandpa? Not so much.
Show Positive Interest
You can probably see why grandma enjoyed the dinner more than grandpa. Grandma didn’t expect the family to cater to her. She showed an interest in them. That can be challenging at times. It can be tedious listening to the joyful babble about the latest toy or game. But the child or young person receiving that attention feels loved and appreciated. It is important that the interest shown to the child is positive. No one wants to be criticized and/or told what to do, especially in front of others. If deserved, there’s a time and place for that.
Grandpa was sitting in a corner alone for a reason. His biting sense of humor and not so subtle criticism kept the young folks far away from him. Grandpa would say he was just “telling the truth.” He felt he had a right to give his unsolicited opinion whenever he wanted. The fact that his opinion was usually negative and/or even insulting, went over his head. There were folks in the family who disliked Grandpa, and had never forgiven him for some of the hurtful things he said to them. This is something older people could be more sensitive to. We tend to be more honest or blunt in our old age and don’t give a lot of care to how this honesty is landing.
Bring out the Pom Poms
Supporting the young folks through encouragement and even compliments can make a big difference in their lives. Everyone, even old folks, appreciate being appreciated. My father just brought in a note from a neighbor thanking him for going to church with her over Christmas. My dad’s church was closed, and her church was open. She invited him and he went. She was just being a good neighbor. She sent him a letter in the mail (!) telling him how nice it was for him to attend with her, what a lovely voice he had and how lucky his family was to have him. I agree with her and have told him that frequently. But having the neighbor say it to him puffed his chest up a bit. He believed her!
I had the amazing experience of having my mother become my best friend during the last years of her life. Once I grew up, I finally got the kind of relationship I had always wanted with her. That was so cool!
I told her she was my best cheerleader. She thought I was being sarcastic. I was not, and explained to her that being able to seek her counsel when dealing with problems on the job was so valuable to me. She had years of experience working in different businesses with many different people. She was a fighter and a trail blazer. Her wisdom was valuable. I discovered that treasure chest of knowledge when I started giving her information about how my work was going.
My parents didn’t quite understand the life of a consultant/contractor. They thought, when I told them my contract had ended, that what I was really saying was I had been fired. Which was not the case. I began telling my mother how my work was going, in general terms, so as not to betray confidential information, so that she could see the patterns and not be surprised when the work was done. To my surprise, she began to add her perspective, and most importantly, her encouragement. I felt like I had a new best friend! This change in our relationship made moving back home to Seattle worth it.
Wisdom of the Aged
As elders, we do have lots of wisdom we can share, although the younger generation may not always want to hear it. It can be helpful to the “young’uns” to simply let them be and learn their life lessons their way. Yes, it is hard sometimes to sit by and watch the young folks do things we know they will regret later. However, if it is really necessary to share your opinion, try to do it in a way the young person can hear it. This means avoiding coming off as critical or demeaning. It is better, also, to offer your opinion or advice rather than force it in an “I know best” attitude. Even if you do. After graduating from college, one of the reasons I took a job on the opposite coast from where I lived, was to get away from the many strong opinions I encountered as to who I should be and what I should do.
I do believe it is important to share our wisdom when we have “been there, done that” with the next generations. Sooner or later, the young person may realize that what was shared was, indeed, important wisdom. I missed having someone who had experienced what I experienced as I worked for corporations. I would have liked to have someone who could understand what I was dealing with and could give relevant perspectives on how to handle my issues. Instead, I made my own path, for better or worse. Having someone ahead of me on the path would have been helpful.
One Last Thing
Be willing to reach out to the young folks. Go ahead and initiate contact. Every generation of them is busy making their own lives and unfortunately many forget to take the time to reach out to the elders in their families. I asked one friend had he called his son. His response was, “Heck no! He’s supposed to call me! I’m not calling him!” And he didn’t. I confess, I wasn’t very good at remembering to check in on the elders in my family other than my parents. I became much better as I got older and realized how important it was to them to hear from me. Now that I am the elder, I text or call them. At least that allows me to know how they are. So, my friends, swallow a little of that pride. Reach out and contact some of the “young’uns” in your family and know that they do love you, even if they don’t call.
