Be a Bother

by Pamelagrace Beatty

He had been on the floor for four hours, unable to get up.  Did he tell us that?  Nope. His music partner sent me a quick text saying I might like to know that my father has fallen but says he’s OK.  I called, and he confirmed that. Yes, he fell and no, he wasn’t hurt.  At the time, I was at Mike’s (my fiancé’s) house, 2 hours away, but I had a feeling I should get back home and check him out to be sure he was not in need of any medical attention.  

On my way over to dad’s house it came to me that someone should check on him as soon as possible because  he might be injured, and waiting was not a good idea.  He had said he wasn’t in pain but sometimes he doesn’t tell the truth.  He is fiercely independent and doesn’t like to be a bother.

I made several calls and finally got my niece who said she would rush right over.  She was only 30 minutes away.  She called her sister for backup. Good thing she did. They asked if they should wait for me if something was seriously wrong, or should they get him to a medical facility as soon as possible if necessary.  Both had good judgement, so I told them to assess the situation and decide, regardless of whether I was there.

I let dad know they were coming so he wouldn’t be surprised. He told me he would open the garage door for them. There was his opportunity to tell me the truth…but nope.  He didn’t.  When my nieces got there, they couldn’t get in.  Dad could not get to the garage door opener to open that door nor any other door in the house!  Finally, my niece found a small floor window she could wiggle through and let her sister in.

 They discovered him lying on the kitchen floor.  Although dad doesn’t weigh a lot, lifting him carefully up off of the floor took the both of them. Again, we knew he had fallen, but NONE of us knew he was STILL on the floor and had been there for four hours! They gave him a little “Grandpa, why didn’t you tell auntie you were still on the floor” lecture, which he ignored.  They checked him for broken bones, and then sat with him while they waited for me.  

When I arrived, I checked him too, called the consulting nurse, described the situation, and got a phone visit set up immediately with his doctor.  After a number of questions, his doctor advised us to just put ice on his strained side and keep an eye on him.  We scheduled a follow up visit with his doctor for a few days later, which he refused to let me go to with him…back to his old habits.  And that was that.  But his being in that situation scared me. My independent father was showing signs of needing more attention than he was willing to receive. 

Now, a year later, Mike and I are on the way  to my house when I realize that I left my keys at his house.  It was too late to turn around and go back and get them, so we headed over to my dad’s place to see if I could get his set.  I called him six times on the way.  I texted and called my sister twice, and my niece once.  No one answered their phones!  We decided to drive straight to my dad’s house even though he wasn’t answering.  Maybe he was asleep and didn’t hear the phone ring.  

He was not asleep.  He was in serious pain, and had been throwing up, and more, for the prior three days.  I took him to the emergency room of the nearest hospital.   When they examined him, they found a huge hernia that was blocking the path of his intestines, which were poking out of his groin.  The doctor squished them back in and he stayed in the hospital for a few days.  

As of this writing, he is still there but vastly improved.  There are some other complications, but he is looking more like his old self.  Of course, we will need to change how we work with him and do more looking after him, regardless of his disinclination to let us get all up in his business and his deep determination to not be a bother.  We would rather him BE A BOTHER!

I wonder if it runs in families, or is contagious?  My dad is not alone in not wanting to be a bother. I have suffered through bouts of food poisoning, and one intense bout of the flu without calling anyone. I didn’t want to be a bother either.  I thought it would all go away. It did, but (note to self) in the future, let folks know.

This past week, Mike and I saw a short sci-fi movie about an aged woman who was on a one-way trip into outer space.  She answered an ad for seniors to have the “ride of their life.”  While in the capsule, she was asked questions about her life by the AI (artificial intelligence) running the spaceship and talking to her.  After a long time of talking about herself, she realized that she had spent her entire life not wanting to be a bother to anyone.  Now here she was, at what appeared to be the end of her life, just now seeing what she had done to herself. The epiphany was striking. She asked the AI if she could return to earth and have a chance to live her life differently.  It replied, “I’ll check.”  

The movie ended there. We don’t know if it turned the spaceship around and took her back. Her epiphany, however, made me think. She said, “I should have spoken up for myself more, and I should have seen myself worthy of more than I accepted in life.” Those words echoed in my mind, and caused me to question my own past behaviors. 

How often had I felt I might be a bother if I asked for something or expressed a need? How often did I accept less from life than I deserved? Actually, it isn’t even a matter of whether I or we deserve it or not.  This is an abundant universe, and we frequently accept less because we think there is not enough.  In reality, there is more than enough but if we are willing to accept less, well then, that’s what we get.

Years ago, I remember being afraid to ask for what I wanted.  I am sure a belief that I didn’t deserve it was part of the problem.  Also, I was mortified at the thought that I might be turned down, and that I would die of embarrassment.  Here I put myself in the vulnerable position of asking someone for something, and they would disdainfully say “No!”  I learned, however, that if someone said “no” to my request, I didn’t die; I simply had to ask somebody else.  Sooner or later, I would get to a “yes.”  Today, I am continuing to practice asking for what I want or need and not thinking of myself as a “bother.”  

As for my father, my sister and I are going to have soft conversations about what we need from him to make sure he is all right. My mother is no longer here to push him to do the right thing for himself, so we are going to move into her place and sweetly, but clearly, make sure he is doing all he can to keep himself safe and healthy. Granted, he is 99 years old and has lived a lot longer than many folks, but we would like to have him around for as long as possible.  So there.