It’s the small Things That Really Matter
My birthday was coming up. I don’t remember which it was because I have stopped counting, but I did realize it was coming. “What should I do?” I wondered. No one had invited me out. There were no events I wanted to go to alone. Yes, I could have found some and then invited a friend to go with me, but I wasn’t up to that. “So, what should I do?” I asked myself again. I decided to throw myself a birthday brunch and invite my favorite female friends. That idea got me quite excited. I love to cook and brunch is so easy. I love planning menus, what to eat, what food to buy. I like figuring out the logistics, when to start cooking so everything will be hot and ready when my guests get to my house. Timing is always tricky for me. I am always cooking or cleaning right up until the last minute, no matter how much prep work I do to avoid that. But still, the thought of making brunch for my dear friends made me smile. Also, making a list of whom to invite was fun. Finally, I emailed invitations to women from different parts of my life.
I invited one friend I met while working on a contract ten years ago, and we became mani-pedi and lunch friends. Two friends were musicians in my band. I loved having female instrumentalists in what seems like a male dominated profession. One was a friend from junior high school. We weren’t close back then but I liked her, and when I moved back to Seattle, we became very good friends. Others were more recent. One was a former judge, whom I quite admired and who was upbeat and funny. Another was a foster care mom. I met her when I became the CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate for children in foster care) of her grandchild. One person was a social activist, a writer and a poet. I met another friend in a clothing store and we cheered each other on as we tried on different outfits. We had so much fun that we became friends. There were more women, all fun to be around, diverse, and enjoyable.
I kept in mind the different foods they might like. I knew one was a vegetarian so I made sure there were things she could eat. I included some of my favorite dishes like cheese grits. You haven’t lived until you have tasted my cheese grits. I’ve been making them since I was 13 years old! I had three different types of quiches, bacon and sausage, muffins, fruit, yogurt, mimosas or just plain orange juice for those who didn’t do alcohol, and coffee and tea of course.
The women were a delightful mix of outgoing, talkative personalities and more quiet, introspective ones. I asked all of them to bring a favorite poem to read to the group after brunch. Some did, some didn’t, but we all enjoyed listening to the poems that were read. I especially loved hearing the work of the two published poets that came. For my part, rather than read a poem, I described how I knew each woman and what was special about her. This still makes me smile. I loved having my birthday be about my friends and not me. One of the women took a video while I spoke. Much later, she sent it to me. When I watched the video later, the delight of the party came back to me. I was so thankful to have the memory of the party so fresh.
This party happened three years ago. A couple of months ago, I ran across the video on my computer and watched it again. It brought back the fun of that moment and reminded me how dear my friends were to me. Once again, I felt appreciation for my friend who had taken the video and wondered how she was. We hadn’t talked in a while and the last time we did talk we got into a disagreement about something minor. I hadn’t called her back after that and felt badly about that.
Then, several weeks ago, I saw her at the memorial service for a friend’s husband. I didn’t know she knew the folks. I was surprised to see her but glad. I told her I had just looked at the video and thanked her again. Two weeks after seeing her, I heard she had been found dead in her kitchen. She appeared to have died of natural causes. I was shocked, as were many people, at her sudden demise. I was also saddened. I regretted letting some petty little disagreement get in the way of our friendship. I regretted not calling her more. I thought about how easy it is to take life for granted and to assume people will always be there when we get around to wanting to contact them. Usually, they probably will be, but not always. And these are not usual times. I also realized that sometimes the little things we do for others can mean so much. The video my friend took of me describing how I met my friends at my party meant so much to me. She didn’t plan to take it. She just decided to do that in the moment. She had no idea how much it would mean to me later.
That has happened before where someone has taken a video of something I was doing, and it became precious beyond belief. Taking videos, however, isn’t the only way to do something meaningful for someone. There are other things that could be small in appearance but can mean so much. For example, I used to cook for my parents and my aunt and uncle. My aunty liked chicken soup. I always made it from scratch for her. It was different each time because I don’t use a recipe. The only consistant items in the soup were chicken and water. Everything else was dependent on how I felt that day. My aunty enjoyed my experimental soups. And it made me happy that she did. It was just a small thing to make her the soup. The dinners were more challenging but knowing that was one less meal they had to worry about encouraged me to keep cooking for them. They have both stepped off of this planet now, but every time I open my cabinet door in the kitchen and see all the plastic bowls I used to carry their dinners to them, I smile.
I imagine there are things we all do for others, and we may not know how much it means to them. That aunty I made the chicken soup for always sent me a birthday card. I loved receiving them and it made me so happy to know that at the very least, my aunty would remember my birthday and send me a card. Yes, I had birthday issues, but my aunt’s card helped smooth them over. This isn’t a one-way street. It can make such a difference in our lives to do something for someone else. When we are feeling down, discouraged, even fearful, doing something for someone else can change those feelings for the better. When I lived in California, I would sometimes get a little depressed because at one point, I didn’t have a lot of close friends or family there. Whenever I felt that way, I did something for someone else. Sometimes I called someone just to see how they were doing. Or I did something I knew needed doing for someone. Long term, I would volunteer for an organization, usually a non-profit. All of these activities kept me positive and feeling like I was making a contribution to life.
Although we may not hear from people about how what we did mattered to them, it is important for us to do those kind things anyway. Those little kindnesses, like smiling at the grocery store person who rings up our groceries, complimenting a stranger on what he/she is wearing or just letting someone cut in front of you on the freeway, can make someone’s day. We don’t have to look to see if we are making a difference in someone’s life. Just keep doing something for others and know that we are contributing to their quality of life, whether we can see that or not. The good feelings we get from helping someone else feel good are priceless.