Nobody Goes Under the Bus  

by Pamelagrace Beatty

Here’s a radical thought: Metaphorically speaking, what if we never threw anyone under the bus?  What would the world look like? What would our experience of it be?  Imagine making a mistake and having it be a “teaching moment,” rather than something to be ashamed of, or punished for, or ridiculed for? Imagine what it would be like not to ever have to cover your rear end, or work with that thought in mind.  Imagine being free to take chances, take risks, and if you fail you fail; you learn from it and keep on going.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful?

Yah but…

I know that sounds pretty airy-fairy.  Who does that, or in this case who doesn’t throw folks under the bus.  I had a friend once who didn’t do it.  I knew her for 5 years before she passed on.  I swear I never heard her say an unkind word about anyone, ever!  She rarely complained and she certainly never dissed anyone. I kept waiting and waiting and still she didn’t.  She was the kindest person I had ever met.  It wasn’t that she didn’t see the bad stuff; she just didn’t call it out or make a big deal of it.  I tried to take a page out of her book and be less accusatory and critical. I found it extremely hard to do, but possible.

Fast Backward

When I first became aware of throwing people under the bus, I was six years old, and my sister was four.  She was a little whirlwind of busyness.  She never stopped moving and sometimes left an incriminating trail of broken stuff in her wake.  Mom would come home and shout, “Who broke this? Baby Sister was that you?”  The look on Baby Sister’s face said it all.  She had not developed a poker face yet. You could read her like a book. Because Baby Sister was always in trouble, I saw no reason to cop to my part of the messes. 

When mom asked who had done it, before blaming Baby Sister, I simply looked innocent.  I had developed my poker face by then, and pointed my finger at Baby Sister. This went on for a while, until I finally felt so guilty about Baby Sister being punished, not only for what she did, but what I did too, that I started admitting my part in the house crimes. So, we both got spanked but it hurt less than seeing Baby Sister get blamed for things she didn’t do, even if she did do so much that my part of the devilment hardly made a difference.

NOooooooo, Don’t Bring that UP!!!

There are topics that can send people off!  They will rant on for what seems like hours complaining and criticizing and casting blame every which way, except, perhaps, where it actually rests, on them.  These folks may have a certain topic that sets them off, or a certain person, or certain behaviors, or all the above.  One acquaintance of mine consistently went off whenever he was driving.  He would complain, curse, and give hand messages to those driving on the road anywhere near him.  Lots of people are crazy drivers, so there was a great deal of opportunity to curse and criticize and complain about them.

Other folks may have pet peeves about anything from call center employees to slugs eating the flowers in their gardens. The list can be endless.  Listening to these folks work their list can be excruciatingly tedious and can tend to wear on one’s nerves. There is one person in my family who has an entire playbook of complaints, and when he gets tired of ragging on one subject, he easily slips to the next.  He’s been doing this for years.  I myself to just breathe, and wait until he changes the subject, which is usually not soon enough.

But It’s How We Roll

You could say it is human nature to discriminate, discern, judge, evaluate and come to conclusions.  Yes, it is.  We had to be able to do this back when we were living in the wilds, and we had to do it fast!  We didn’t have time to get all concerned about giving the saber-toothed tiger the benefit of the doubt.  “Hmmm, a saber tooth tiger is coming right at me.  Maybe he’s just out for a jaunt.  Maybe he’s not hungry.  Maybe it’s a she and she is looking for her cubs.”  Nope, we had to get out of the path of that tiger as quickly as possible, assuming that was possible. We didn’t have time to think.  Now, we have time to think and evaluate, and perhaps we have gone overboard with that.

Not Dinner

Since we no longer must worry about being a meal for some wild animal, why are we so quick to judge and criticize?  What’s driving that?  I could give you several pages of “why,” but I won’t. I’ll just give you a few. 

Hubris – I love that word.  I got it from Greek mythology. “Hubris cometh before a fall.”  OK, I am mixing my homilies, but you know what I mean.  We take pride in how we think and what we think.  Sometimes we think we are really smart and know everything.  Or maybe we think we are not so smart, and have to pretend to know everything. So, we make others wrong and feel good about doing so.  It proves how smart we are.  Not you?  OK, try this:

Need to be Right – This one goes a little deeper than pride. Hating to be wrong can stem from all sorts of things, like severe punishment when you did something wrong as a child, or ridicule in school when you gave the wrong answer. Or it can stem from always having your ideas put down by others. I am a recovering gottaberight person, doing better with letting go when I sense resistance to my words, but it requires constant practice.]

But they really ARE awful! — That one is hard to step around. If the situation was just plain bad, or the person was a self-centered good-for-nothing, it is hard not to say so. My personal opinion here is go ahead and admit that is the case, and then let it go! Perhaps do something worthwhile to combat the situation, or the person’s effect, or simply move on.  The danger comes when we allow these negative feelings about this or that to run and rule our lives.  Then we are giving the situation, or person, way more power than they deserve.  Doing something to counter the negative is a far better approach.

Negative Energy Abounds

Throwing people under the bus is always fueled by negative energy.  It’s not really a happy feeling.  It might feel vengefully sweet but still not cleanly sweet. It’s a sort of energetic violence that impacts not only others, but us as well.  I realize I might be getting a little too metaphysical here, but I think it is something to consider.  What are we putting out into the world?  What are we putting into ourselves, our bodies, our psyches, our souls, even as we are observing and absorbing everything we think and speak.  Just from a selfish point of view, reducing the amount of negative energy we release into the world, and into our inner world, could make a big difference for ourselves and others.  So, I am giving you an assignment – practice not throwing anyone (including yourself) under the bus for an hour.  That’s easy.  Then try it for a day…not so easy.  Then try it as a way of life!  And let me know how it goes.